Stay at Home Motherdom

Here I Go Again

2009-06-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

I have decided to publish again at my old blog address. I look at the archives from this blog, and I am amazed. I had three years sobriety on May 29. Wonderful, astonishing changes have taken place in my life.

2006-12-25T00:40:00.000-08:00

When I first decided to blog, a little over a year ago, I did so because I wanted to be liked. I think that was a subconscious decision somewhat, but I tried to relay “funny” stories or make attempts at humor in order to attract an audience. Just as in other areas of my life, I wanted the external validation. If my sitemeter stats were lower than usual (indicating less readers), I would be hurt. Sad, isn’t it?

There are a few online services right now that will copy your blog into a book format. I have decided to try to do that annually in order to preserve my writing. I figure I don’t know where technology will be in ten years, and I want to make sure I have a hard copy now of what I am doing. I wanted to do this during recovery because I can go back and reflect on my progress made. Even if it doesn’t necessarily reflect in the post, I can usually read a post and remember my feelings when I wrote that. It’s amazing that something I wrote in August, I can feel differently about today in December.

In this process, even though the blog is downloaded, there is editing involved to format it properly in a book. While doing this, I came to the realization that my writing has very much evolved. I realized what I said above: I wanted so much in the past to be liked. Reading my posts from 2005 and the beginning of 2006, I feel as though I am personally removed from many of the writings. I feel as I was trying to project an image of who I thought I was, but there was such a lack of feeling in that writing.

I thought I should be a certain way: always funny, sometimes sarcastic, occasionally making fun of people, hardly ever speaking from the heart. I mean, after all, that is what attracts the readers. I was trying to develop a style that wasn’t me in order for others to like me. After all, the most popular writers, to a certain extent, are like that.

First of all, it didn’t work. Second of all, it wasn’t me. Most importantly, didn’t I want people to like me for me? Who was I attracting before? Partly it was an adoption crowd, because I was adopting from China.. (and many of them read because I was on the same journey as they were) But if I was trying to develop a false style, did I want to attract additional people who would enjoy that false sense of who I was. Did I want to attract those who sometimes get humor at the expense of others? Did I want to stifle my sensitive nature at the sake of gaining an audience? Did I want to further lose my sense of self by pretending I was someone else?

It wasn’t until I started to write truly about who I am that I started to develop a better blog. Sharing my recovery has helped me. Both because I can share what I am going through, and hopefully, I can reach another. I have lost readers. Yet, I have gained new readers. And these are the readers I want. I had an agenda when I got out of treatment to blog in hopes of reaching those who may be suffering. I had an agenda to share myself. In doing that, and through my recovery process over the last seven months, I have grown to like myself. If you read this regularly, I hope this means you like what I have to say, too.

But if you don’t, I’m not offended. I check my stats, but they aren’t a reflection of who I am. Most of the time I check my stats now, they’re in order to see where people came from and how long they stayed. I want to know that someone is reading and possibly moved by what I say. I don’t care so much about the number of readers. And if you are reading, most likely you stay because you have a similar mindset. I need readers who want to grow. I don’t care if the most popular blogs are often times set out to attack or humiliate others. I don’t want those type of readers on my blog. I know they wouldn’t even understand, in many cases, what my journey is all about.

Thank you readers for sticking around. You’re an awesome group. (Now, if I could only get more of you to comment online….) You’re a reflection of who I am becoming, and I need that. I am proud of who I am today, and partly, it’s due to this writing and the help and support from many of you.

Merry Christmas.

Vacation

2006-09-17T01:15:00.000-07:00

My vacation was wonderful and relaxing. Being in recovery, it also was different. However, because I have been working day by day to understand the reasons why I used to drink, this vacation was extremely beneficial to me. Gone were the afternoons of getting a few drinks by the pool and the evenings dressing up, going out to nice restaurants and sharing a bottle of wine. Not that fine restaurants might not return to my itineraries; however, at this point, they are a bit of a trigger for me because I enjoyed a really good bottle of wine with a nice dinner. In place of those things, I learned how to relax and enjoy my vacation. Bryan and I were always a bit spontaneous, but now we were even more so. I was not worried this vacation about how I looked, where we were going to have dinner and get drinks, and making sure our hotel room was well stocked with wine from the local store.

We drove around the island, unconcerned about what time we got back. We bought carry out dinners and ate them in our room. We swam in the ocean. We went to the pool and the hot tub at night. I spent money on a couple spa treatments. I did not care about wearing makeup. I did not wear half the clothes I brought because all I wore everyday was a bathing suit, shorts and a tee shirt. I did not need my dresses. I did not need my skirts. I did not worry about impressing anyone. We basked in the sun and well, yes, we bought a timeshare. (but I did it sober!)

The point is I don’t think I have ever gone swimming at night since I was a little kid. I don’t think I have been in the ocean as many times as I was on this trip. I had Bryan drive to a distant, beautiful beach when we were touring the island one day and it was getting close to 6PM. It was well worth the drive. I would never have done that before. I would have been too concerned about “having fun in the evening”, getting dressed up and heading out for dinner and drinks. I savored every moment and truly absorbed the beauty of the world. As corny as that may sound, it was not something I used to appreciate. I truly enjoyed the moments of every day that we spent there. Life is beautiful on so many levels.

When I was asking people about how/what/why they drank on vacation in one of my previous posts, one of my readers likened having a few drinks on vacation to having a spa treatment. That really helped me put it into perspective. A drink was not an indulgence for me in past vacations. It was a necessary element in my vacations. It was a necessary element in my life.

There were a couple times when I struggled a bit. Things were a little hectic the first night we got there, and Bryan and I were a bit cranky with one another. I instantly felt the need to smooth out my out of control feelings with a drink. That same thing happened upon our departure. I am learning how to find other coping mechanisms every time that need for a drink arises, though. I know if I can just make it through, I will be a little bit stronger in the long run.

I know if I make it through today without a drink, life will be a little bit sweeter.

Part Two

2006-07-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

This is Part Two of Five in a series. Please see this for the First Post of this Series.

Part Two

I didn't start drinking until I was in college. I was a very introverted, scholarly, "good girl" in high school. I didn't touch the stuff. I always hated the way I was perceived by people in my hometown. I wanted to be popular and well liked, not just known as a quiet smart girl. So, I picked up and graduated a year early from high school. I went to college when I turned 17. I made a conscious effort to change my "image". I drank my first night of school in the dorms. I joined a group of people drinking Southern Comfort and Coke. (terrible...and I never touched the stuff again!!) I loved the way it made me feel, even though I got deathly ill afterwards. The next day I had a major hangover. Despite that, alcohol made me fit in finally. It made me extroverted. It made me feel like the me I wanted people to know. Recently, I recalled that when I was getting sick from alcohol for the first time, there was a girl holding my hair back while I basically sat ill in the dorm toilet stall. To me at the time, in my warped mind, that seemed like true friendship. A feeling came over me the following day like “oh, this is what you do to become popular”.

I was a little lost during my first year of college. Although I had the “tool” (alcohol), per se, to become socially acceptable, I had a couple issues my first year. One of my roommates tried to commit suicide, I was accosted and shoved against the door by an Ohio State football player who was upset with me for telling my friend that he had a girlfriend, and my new roommate had some major anger/rage issues and decided to take them out on me. In high school, I had one serious relationship, but I never dated other than that. Drinking made me comfortable to talk to men and “be myself”. I think, in using alcohol as a social lubricant and to escape my issues, I saw it as the perfect elixir.

At the end of my freshman year, I was an emotional mess. I was dealing with a turbulent living environment. In addition, the drinking had gotten me into some precarious situations with men. I don’t know if I was naïve (I don’t think I was?), but I think I wanted so badly to believe that these men paid attention to me because I was interesting, not because I was drunk and perceived as an “easy lay”. It was because I pretended that they liked me for me that I got into these situations. When I usually ended up telling them “no”, I had a hard time dealing with the fact that they only wanted sex and I usually got a hard time from them for “leading them on”. There were a couple points where I passed out and almost got raped. Luckily, I came to in time and usually ended up walking home by myself on the large, unsafe campus.

At the end of that year, I enrolled in a program to learn Spanish in Mexico. I went to Mexico that summer and had a blast. I made some real friends and learned some Spanish in the process. It was a great place to drink, too. What's Mexico without the beer and margaritas? I thought that I couldn’t practice my Spanish with the natives without drinking. I am a perfectionist, as are most alcoholics, and if I can’t do it perfectly, then I won’t do it. Yet, if I had a drink in me, then it came “easier” and gave me more courage. Drinking “helped” me, I rationalized, as I would for years. It helps me feel at ease with people and it helps me be conversant.

I continued to abuse alcohol like any other college student and actually slowed down for awhile. I certainly could go some time without drinking, and my drinking at that time was in binges. I graduated and went on to get my Master’s Degree. I drank in graduate school when appropriate, always in excess, but I was in control. I remember I dated a man who was most likely in the late stages of alcoholism in ’95 and ’96. I tried to get him to quit and told him that I would quit along with him. He never did, and the relationship ended. However, I realize now that I must have crossed the line around that point because I could have stopped at that moment and never looked back. I continued to drink, though, and my addiction started to rear its ugly head.

New Blog Address

2006-07-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

My blog has moved to http://stayathomemotherdom.clubmom.com/

Please bookmark it or add it to your feeds as this will be my permanent residence for awhile.

Thanks for following me, and pass my address along to others!

The Reason for My Disappearance

2006-07-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hi. I promise my writing is going to pick up in about a week. I am trying to get my bearings here in my home again after being gone for four weeks.

I was a bit ashamed to tell you all the reason for my absence, and I didn't know if this was the correct forum to do so. However, being as how my blog is going to change to encompass more than adoption and child rearing and include this topic, I thought I'd share with you first...my original "blog posse".

As a few of you know, I'm an alcoholic in recovery. A few months back, I relapsed and began drinking again. It's ironic because in the past, before my addiction became out of control and I had little education about it, I always thought of the alcoholic as the "bum in the street" or the "loud obnoxious guy at the party". I know that is many people's perception of it. However, I am just your run of the mill stay at home mom. I live in a decent neighborhood. I drive a decent car. I have a great family. I'm a pretty good mom. I used to hold a high paying job. I have no DUIs or criminal record....from the outside looking in life looks perfect. "You" (a collective "you", meaning an outsider) would think we had no problems whatsoever.

However, the disease is insidious that way. It sneaks up and detroys things. I was a "responsible" drinker, or so I thought. I'd usually wait until my husband got home to drink. I only drank wine...and the good, expensive stuff. (because those alcoholics only drink the "bad stuff") I wasn't "falling down drunk". I functioned. The rationalizations are endless. However, because I had some sobriety before and knew I could live a better life and because I knew I was using my drinking to cope and I was craving it, I checked myself into treatment.

I couldn't have made a better choice, as I am there for my family all the time (mentally) and discovered a lot about myself. I have been busy ensuring that I stick with AA this time around (which I rejected the first time around trying to control my own sobriety...I didn't need that silly group! Oh, how I was wrong.), going to meetings and finding a great sponsor already. I have to admit that it isn't always easy as alcohol was my crutch when things got difficult or painful, but I know I'll be living a more fulfilling life ultimately.

I intend to go into more detail in my blog as it launches on ClubMom. I will write specifically about adoption, parenting young children and recovery, as those are the three areas that we mutually (ClubMom and I) decided would be appropriate topic matter for me to cover. I hope that I can educate people a bit about addiction (whether it be alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, food, love...you name it...), and break down the negative stigma that seems to be attached to that which is a disease.

Until then, I hope that you all can handle that. If not, oh well, it's who I am, and I am stronger because of it. I was ashamed before I started treatment because I felt like a failure, but now I feel empowered. And grateful. And optimistic. And scared. And lonely. And trying to live each day fully, focusing on the moment that is right in front of me. Not the past. Not the future. Only the here and now.

Back Into The Groove Of Things

2006-07-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

Hey there, stranger! How are you doing? I have to get back into the groove of things, having taken a break and all. Glad to be back.

So, this weekend was Bryan's birthday. We did what all parents of children do for an exciting night on the town...go to a local restaurant..exciting stuff, eh? Actually, we went to The Melting Pot, which is a fondue restaurant. I had been to one before several years ago, and it seemed like more fun then. (Perhaps it was the wine last time that made it seem more fun?) This time there was no alcohol involved, and well, let's be honest...it's basically laying out a hundred bucks to cook your own food. I have to say, I enjoyed the cheese course...but dinner was a disaster. It made me feel like a child again, reminiscent of roasting wieners over an open fire. This time it was just chunks of meat and vegetables in a vat of oil. Oh, well, it was a night out without the children...that's something, right?

The adoption thing just seems ages away for me. I feel even less connected than I did a couple months ago to my child-to-be and China. Maybe it's better that way because I have a LONG time to go. My children are a handful, too. Isabel just turned one and is going to walk any day now. She is a major clinger. I feel like a gorilla carrying my small ape around. She won't let me out of her sight or her grip!

Finally, I got a writing gig at Clubmom.com. I think my blog will be up in a few weeks. They have to transfer everything to Typepad and my blog address will be forwarded, I believe. I'm looking forward to it!

Ciao for now. (Don't I sound so worldly?)

I'm Back!!

2006-07-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

I'm back, but the question is: Is there anyone out there who will read my blog given my absence??

I have a lot to share, and my blog is going to take on a new format and have a new location (if you have this bookmarked, you'll be forwarded)...I have a blogging gig that pays now. Who would have thought?

I anticipate this happening in the next few weeks. Until then, I'll continue to write here, but I'll share the big changes in my life later.

Bye Bye

2006-05-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

Ian and Isabel say Goodbye, as well, and want to leave you with some lovely pictures of their butts.

Goodbye For Now

2006-05-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

I love this website! I just got this bracelet with Ian and Isabel's pictures. It is so cute! This is the second thing I've ordered with this company, and I love their items.

Well, I hope I don't lose any readers, but I will be taking a six week break. I have a family issue to address, and I won't be in the blog scene for awhile starting next week. Please check back in early July! I'll miss you guys!

Bryan is taking me to San Francisco for the weekend, too, to celebrate my birthday which is tomorrow. Oh, my, I am starting to feel old. I'll be 33. Yikes! Only seven years to 40!

Don't forget about me during my hiatus! I'll be praying for lots of referrals!

J

Who Needs A Fancy Pool?

2006-05-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

This is all it takes to make a 3 year old happy--a $5.00 pool. Why spend $40,000 to build a big one?

Mother's Day? What Mother's Day?

2006-05-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

Not a great weekend for me...well not a spectacular week for me.

First, my husband was away most of last week on business, leaving me with the kids...which gets frustrating! Then, he became very sick on his last night of the business trip. He flew home miserable from Arkansas. Yuck.

We spent Mother's Day at the ER trying to ascertain what was going on. Chances are it's a pretty bad ulcer, but it could be his gall bladder. We still have to do a couple tests. When you go to the ER, they do all the "life threatening" tests first, so he was put through all types of cardiac tests/scans. The two things they didn't do (it seems like they did every other thing!) were check for a ulcer or gall bladder issue. Apparently, if it isn't going to kill you, they don't care if you are writhing in pain.

So, I know what it feels like to be a single mom. And me no likey. He can't eat or anything and feels pretty icky. So, I'm worried about him while trying to keep some sort of semblance of normalcy in this house. I am starting to lose patience with my kids pretty easily, though. Last night, I was frustrated with Ian and raised my voice. He said, "No Shouting!" Normally, I'm pretty good about not raising my voice at the kids...but Mommy is tired.

Oh well, at least I don't look how I did last May...50 pounds heavier. Look at this miserable picture from last May. Ick.

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

I wrote this as part of a blog exchange, but I never posted it on my site. (it was posted on someone else's site) I figured it apropos given Mother's Day is this Sunday, and we were to use the topic "Mother May I" as the subject and interpret it as we saw fit.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there, and moms to be!

I love you, Mom.

Mother May I

Some of the earliest memories of asking my mother's permission was in the form of "want, want, want" and "need,need, need" riding around in a cart at some obscure grocery or department store. Name or place doesn't matter, and I couldn't tell you specifics of either. What mattered is I had to have...had to have some immediate gratification through candy or toy.

"Mother May I?" said I.

"No," replied my mother. I am sure she had her rationale. A budget to stick to, an ideal to not spoil her children, or just trying to get her shopping done as any mother needs to do in this day and age.

"I hate you!" I screamed, in young child fashion.

"Well, I hate when you act like this," said my mother. Always careful to phrase her words to not harm, to not use the word 'you', to not let frustration make her repeat the same thing back.

Years pass, and teenage years bring me to a period in my life where my mother and I are both friends and enemies. One minute, she would listen to my problems and would share advice and laughter, and the next she had to endure my tempermental, moody hormonal side.

"Mother May I please have my curfew extended," I begged on more than one weekend in high school so I could spend more time out with my high school boyfriend.

But she always held firm. One night, I came in twenty minutes late, and my mother took away an opportunity of driving with a friend to visit a college campus a few hours away. It was something I was looking forward to immensely.

"You're not being fair!" I screamed. But she knew that limits were important.

As time passed, college turned into graduate school, and my relationship with my mother had evolved into something different. Gone was the the total responsibility of mothering when I lived with my parents and a new type a friendship existed between us, yet there still was a sense of protectiveness in which she guarded me, as I hadn't fully made it in the world yet.

One evening, I went out with a man that I worked with and was quite fond of and was involved in a date rape situation. The following week, I found out even more details at work that made me feel even more confused. Through poking around at work and asking some questions, I found out, this man was married with small children (even thought he told me he was single) and he had a reputation of sleeping around. He obviously was a very charming liar. I felt very embarassed, alone, and confused.

I called my mom who lived three hours away.

"Mother May I get some help from you?" I sobbed into the phone.

And my mom rushed to my side. She was there for me. She sat with me through a doctor's appointment. She sat with me through all the typical testing that they run to test for sexually transmitted diseases. I didn't know much about this man. She was there when all results came through as negative, and I cried with relief.

Where would I have been without my mother? Who would I be without my mother?

And more time has passed, and I now have my two children. They are young, and they are testing their limits. And so often I want to give in to their every whim and fancy. But I know being a parent, and being a mother, in particular, is about being strong. It is about standing up for your beliefs, and for what you know is right for your children, so that someday they can become strong people. My children will know what true parental love is because my mother demonstrated responsibility and extreme care with me....and as a result, that will be passed along to them through me.

I Just Spent A Ton Of Money

2006-05-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

I hate you, Julie! I just spent $450.00 at Gymboree (sorry, Bryan), and it's all your fault! You post those damn sales on your blog, and I always have to go buy.

Now, everyone, go and save 30% using code MAYFRIEND, and make me feel better. You know you want to.

My Family Room

2006-05-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

This room was clean and spotless yesterday morning.

And this was it in the evening.

Oh, no, what is the third child going to do? I am going to have to get used to living in a perpetual disaster area.

China Adoption Worries

2006-05-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have started worrying if I can handle three children. I don't know if it is because the whole paperchase is over, and I have more time to realize what we have committed to. Anytime you add a new child to the family, it creates a whole restructuring of sorts. You have to adjust to the new child and how the child changes the dynamics of the family from that point forward. I have a personal issue, too, that I am addressing right now. Maybe at some point, I'll blog about it, but nevertheless, it creates additional worries for me, as well.

Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through, but three just seems much more difficult than two. Please don't get me wrong, I want this child...it's just that my insecurities are getting the best of me, I guess.

Some days I get so stressed out with two, that I can't imagine adding a third to the mix. Am I going to lose even more of a sense of myself and my needs? Somedays I feel so helpless and lonely.

Then, I worry about the cultural issue. It is important to me to be able to be able to provide a sense of my new child's culture in raising her. When we decided upon international adoption, it was a choice made out of expanding our family in a different way and something that could enlighten us...we will raise our new child but she will also teach us things that we didn't know about ourselves. I have a background in understanding Hispanic culture and language, and sometimes, I question if I made the right decision. China? I knew practically nothing about China.

It's posts like this that make me upset and worried at the same time. I like this blog, but I thought this post was unfair. It categorized me (all of us who will adopt from China) into some sort of stereotype that we will all just "go through some of the motions of Chinese-ness, but not truly teach culture". In other words, go to some FCC (Families with Children from China) events and think that this is teaching culture....perhaps some will and I know others who have indicated that assimilating to U.S. culture is what their children need to do and won't be teaching their children much of anything about their birth country. However, I, and I know many of us, intend to learn as much as I can about my child's birth country and history. I want to have knowledge to educate. I actually worry I might fail. That post would have you believe that that worry has never crossed my mind. It has.

I said to my husband the other day maybe we should have adopted from Guatemala because I know so much already and would be comfortable traveling with my daughter by myself someday. I can speak Spanish, and I could get us around. I understand family structures in that country. I could do a much better job at educating. As much as I am trying to learn about China, its people, and their customs, I still feel like I am in uncharted territory.

Of course, my husband says it will be OK. I hope it will. I feel like sometimes mothers carry the weight of the world on their shoulders because I feel so responsible to mold her (and all of my children) into what would be an ideal situation.

Chugging Along..

2006-05-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

I have actually starting working out again this week. Finally! It's Nino's fault. She made me feel guilty by emailing me last week about what marathons I have ran, and I finally relented....huffing and puffing three miles at a time running on the treadmill four times this week. At least it's something! And I feel a little better, too.

But, then, as I listen to my Ipod, I stare at some of the 30 and 40 somethings in their workout wear...and some of them look great, believe me..I'm jealous. But others? Well, others still insist on wearing the unforgivable spandex fabric blend that doesn't even look good if you are in the best of shape of your life (unless you are in the minority .001%). Ladies...please...there are so many other options!

Finally, does anyone have any good recommendations for songs to download? I need some good "angry" songs. I am dealing with some anger/sadness issues now, and angry songs are good to work out to to get some of the aggression out. Regardless, I also like to hear what others listen to to inspire them....I have pretty ecclectic taste.

Growl...Can I Come Live In Your House For Awhile?

2006-05-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year that I start to hate Sacramento. It is getting hot. 90 degrees for the past few days. And our air conditioner is broken. I don't do heat well. On top of that, we have some issue with a pipe in our house leaking sewer gas, so our upstairs bathroom (hell, half of our upstairs!) smells like one. You wouldn't think this house was built only a year and a half ago. Who knows how they are going to fix that. I have a feeling the walls of my house are going to be torn apart this summer. I don't sound cranky, do I? Grrrrr.....

This little one is keeping me busy and away from the computer, too. She is constantly moving, and if she sees me on the computer, then she wants to pound the keyboard. Not a good thing. I am having trouble keeping up with my blogs, let alone writing on my own blog. It's just me playing with baby toys all day...which can get tiring. Woe is me, eh?
I need jokes and support. Anyone got anything? Better yet, can I just come visit a bunch of you now to escape this miserable weather? Thanks.

May Guest Post--Mother, May I?

2006-05-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Message from Jen: I recently joined a blog exchange group. At the first of every month, I will have a guest post from someone in the group based on a randomly selected topic that we all had to write about. Please read this then connect on the links on the bottom to read everyone else's interpretation of this month's theme: Mother May I. The following is the guest post by Nancy:

When I googled the term "Mother may I" in search of some inspiration for this month's blog exchange topic, I happened across this little poem and knew I'd found my theme:

"Mother, may I go out to swim?"
"Yes, my darling daughter.
Fold your clothes up neat and trim,
But don't go near the water."

This poem, to me, describes one of the true realities of parenthood: the give-and-take involved in letting your child discover new things while keeping them safe from harm. If you read parenting books for perspective on this issue, the advice seems so straightforward: if you want your child to learn, you must give them room to make mistakes. In reality, however -- it's not that simple. Just as children are complex individuals with personalities and emotions, so are parents!

When your child is born, you do all you can to nurture and protect them from anything hurtful or harmful. With that mindset, it is tough to do an about-face and let your child have more independence as he or she grows. Sometimes it goes against every instinct you have to let them leave your arms and your watchful gaze, but you know it's ultimately for the best.

I am reminded of this every summer as I attend swimming classes with my older daughter, Mimi. Because I never learned to swim properly as a child, I am anxious and uncomfortable in the water. So when the instructor asks the parents to let the kids float on their own, it's a leap of faith for me -- my protective instinct kicks in and I don't want to let Mimi go. But I hold my breath and remove my hands, and reassure my anxious daughter that she'll be just fine. (All the while trying to calm my own nerves.)

In just a few seconds it's over, and we've all survived. Mimi's beaming from ear to ear: "Mommy, I did it!" Next time she'll be a little less scared, and soon she'll be navigating the pool without any assistance.

In just a few short years, she'll be doing even more new things without Mom's help -- heading off to her first day of school, attending her first sleepover, fending off bullies in the playground. There will be times when she'll be successful, and other times when she'll get hurt, but she will learn from it all. I will have to resist the urge to walk hand-in-hand with her, to shield her from possible hurts. I will have to let her go and learn on her own, and pray that she will come back to me when she needs comfort and healing.

I'm practicing this already. When she asks, "Mother, may I?" I will take a deep breath and respond: "Yes, you may." And watch her go.

-- Nancy is a super secret government spy and mom of 2 girls who lives outside of Washington, DC. She makes her blog home at Mom Ma'am Me ( http://mommaamme.typepad.com/).

These posts are part of our May Blog Exchange on the theme Mother May I. Click around to read some of the other posts: Nancy, Vicki, Julie, Chase, Stacy, Christina, Jen, Mabel, TB, Mel, Izzy, Mayberry Mom, Amy, and Laurie. If you’d like to participate in the June Exchange, please email Kristen at kmei26 at yahoo.com. Enjoy!

Pirate's Booty and Balls

2006-04-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

You know if you have kids that they go crazy over Pirate's Booty. Well, my store has been out of stock for the last week or two, so I bought the product next to it, Pirate's Cannon Balls. It appeared to be the same thing, just larger. Probably, too large, as Ian won't eat them.

Anyway, since he won't eat them, someone had to, right? I was sitting on the couch eating them with the kids the other day when my husband walked downstairs.

Ian said, "Mommy's eating the Pirate's Balls!"

I said, "That's right..we're eating the balls.." Of course, I started laughing. It was just really funny..you had to be there.

So, now, they are affectionately known in this house as Pirate's Balls. Lovely.

How did that banana get there? They are a bit large for Ian, but perhaps a bit small for my taste. Did I just say that? Whoops.

***On a side note, my dad had prostate surgery yesterday and is recovering well. However, I thought it was hilarious when my mom was telling me about the surgery, and she said, "and Dr. so and so said this and that blah blah blah..." And I said, "wait...back up, what did you say the doctor's name was...?" His name is Dr. Stiff! Ha Ha Ha. Great name for urology...

Signs That You Really Are A Parent

2006-04-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

Have I really become a parent? Doing the things and repeating the kind of phases you never thought you'd hear yourself say?

The other night at the dinner table Ian was drinking a glass of water with a big plastic straw. He was taking the straw in and out of the cup, putting his hands into the cup to pull out ice cubes, and blowing air into the straw to do the one thing that is so entertaining to kids: making bubbles.

I said, "Are you going to sit there and drink the water or play with the water?" (all the while remembering what it was like blowing bubbles like that as a kid and knowing that I sound like a "mom".....like...just what are you doing, young man?)

He looked at me, knowing what the correct answer should be, and said, "Play with the water."

And I said, "That is not an option!"

And Bryan and I threatened to take the beverage away. And then I told Bryan...oh, God, do we sound like parents.

Then this morning, since my son hates me to touch his hair to fix it in any form or fashion, I did the ultimate in mothering. Normally, when he wakes, I let him get dressed and go to school in the way that his hair is lying. Unless there is something incredibly important, his hair normally takes on some semblance of normalcy during the day. It's not worth the fight. He hates water on his hair.

But this morning it was sticking up to the point that I was kind of embarrassed to take him in like that. So while I was buckling him in his carseat this morning, I licked my hand, and patted his hair in position.

"Ewwwww," Ian screamed.

Who would have thought?

Commode Privacy

2006-04-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

I used to be one all about personal boundaries. One of those things was the toilet. I thought, although I was quite comfortable with my husband seeing me on the toilet, if necessary..it was best to keep that private because I think that somehow that can ultimately create a sense of "too much comfort" and make intimacy, oh, I don't know...a little less romantic.

Then came the kids. And I got the thinking today....

Is there anyone out there with young kids who actually goes to the bathroom with the doors closed? Can you tell me how you manage to do it? I mean when there aren't guests in the house, and you are forced to lock everyone out?

Now, I'm watched by everyone in this family. Including the damn dog. Such is life.

Spit and Boogers

2006-04-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

I am staring out the window of Starbucks trying to think of something to write and having a difficult time, when a man just walked by and spit. Yuck. I hate that. Why can't people just swallow their saliva? Gross. Absolutely one of the most disgusting things in my book.

And yesterday, at this same place, I was putting sugar in my coffee, and again, a MAN, walked up and grabbed a napkin and blew his nose right next to me in the condiment area. What's that all about? Can't you just walk into the bathroom and take care of emptying your boogery nose around the corner? Or walk outside? Do you have to do it by my coffee?

Am I the only one annoyed by this?

Doing the tag thing...

2006-04-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

Playing the tag game. Was tagged by Stephanie.

Six weird things about me that you wouldn't know about me. Hmmmm.

(1) I was the fat, unpopular girl that ate lunch all alone in middle school and nobody picked for dodgeball in gym class. Sad, isn't it?

(2) In graduate school, I flew to Europe by myself on a whim and just hung out with whomever I met in Amsterdam and London. I did the same on a cruise. I called up on a Monday, asked what availability they had, flew to Puerto Rico and left that weekend by myself. Had a blast meeting people.

(3) I am fluent in Spanish. (well, it's gradually going downhill) My undergraduate major was in Spanish. I spent two summers studying in Mexico, and dated a Puerto Rican for a couple years. I did a research project in Chile (Santiago) for a week, as well.

(4) I used to be very afraid of flying...so much so that I would have to drink quite a bit before boarding a flight. (and you see how much I've traveled!) I've since adjusted.

(5) I grew up in the midwest (Ohio) but California will always feel like home to me. I always feel like I'm coming home when I return.

(6) I have run two marathons...but damn, they were a lot of work to train for.

Boy, oh Boy....

2006-04-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Beginning last week, Pomegranate began some posts about "What if" you were referred a boy when (obviously) most of us have been expecting female referrals? You can go over and read if you'd like, as some of the post is speculative and not based on any first hand knowledge. It was interesting, though, as the general gist of the posting was there have been quite a few boy referrals as of late, and would you accept the referral of a boy?

Interesting.

I was reading an article this weekend in Adoptive Families Magazine about how in domestic (US) adoptions it is discouraged to list a gender preference because the birthmother will pretty much look over you as prospective parents. She will think that if something happens, for example, and she gives birth to the opposite sex, you will reject her baby. It will not be good enough for you. Parents who have a distinct gender preference are told to look international, as they can put in for a preference there.

Interesting.

It got me thinking about my adoption journey, as we started this process indicating a female child. Sisters, girls, daughters....I want to have girls in my family to keep my family close. That's my rationale. I'm afraid someday my family won't be close. It's the daughters who stay close to their mothers, after all.

There's always a reason for the gender preference. But you never know. You never know what will happen in the future! You don't know who that child will be. You may have dreams for your female child and find out you cannot live vicariously through them. You may think you don't have the capacity to understand the opposite gender and find out that they warm your heart like you never have known.

When I saw the number of people who said that they would turn down a male referral, I was very surprised. These are the people who are waiting for a child, the people who write heartwrenching posts after heartwrenching posts about wanting to hold that baby.....said no to that baby...said they would continue to wait....all because of his gender. Interesting. There are no guarantees in life.

Food for thought:

Four years ago, and it's my first pregnancy. I was twenty weeks and due for my ultrasound. I wanted a girl more than ANYTHING. I had dreamed about having a girl all life. I met my husband at the doctor. When the technician pronounced, "There's the penis!" I almost started crying. I pretty much was crushed. I remember leaving, driving back to work and crying in my office. Isn't ultrasound day supposed to be a happy day?

Ian is the love of my love. I wouldn't change a thing. What a wonderful child...what a wonderful boy! I was so blessed at that moment and didn't know it.

Things happen for a reason.

Some Guys Have All The Luck....

2006-04-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

Doesn't this just for a minute make you wish you were a man?

With good aim?

Damn, they get to have all the fun!

Target--You Tricky, Tricky Store

2006-04-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Remember the days? In fact, let's go back and reminisce, shall we? It's the Christmas season, and we all have to make a list for Santa, right? Or at the very least, envision what we want? Didn't many of us use to wait with anticipation the arrival of the Christmas Sears Catalog?

I know I did! I couldn't wait to tear the plastic covering off the massive book. I would read through that catalog day after day, perfecting my Christmas list. I'd put stars by the things I REALLY REALLY wanted. I do remember constantly going through it, probably wearing the pages out....wondering what a life would be like if you had all those toys in your possession!

Well, along comes the age of internet and online shopping, and retail stores had to change. The era of the Sears catalog coming in the mail, sadly, came to an end with our generation.

This fall, with the Christmas ads, a funky, chunky, perhaps 50 page catalog was in the Sunday newspaper. It caught Ian's eye. Not much in the newpaper catches his eye. It was a pretty catchy Christmas catalog filled with toys from Target. He grabbed it and read it. He wanted to keep reading it. He took it to bed, and every night after a story, we looked at it. We talked about the toys and what Santa might bring.

Ah, well, Target went a step further. They are no dummies. A month ago, we got another 50 pager in the mail. It's an Easter catalog! Now, we read that one at bedtime. All toys and candy.

This isn't a cheap advertisement, either. It's a pretty expensive publication. Shiny, thick pages. Happy kids with great toys.

So, today, as I walk out of Target with a cartful of Toys and Candy for Sunday, I wonder how much more I bought because of those ads? (Tricky Geniuses!) I normally go there for candy and things of that nature for holidays; however, I probably would have bought the few small toys that I do buy for Easter online. Obviously I am cognizant of all of this, and I wouldn't have bought anything overpriced.....but they are doing a good job at trying to create their niche.

Interesting.

And The Procrastinators of the Year Award Goes To....

2006-04-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

isabel small, originally uploaded by jenjram.

Bryan and Jen!

Palm Sunday seemed like the appropriate time to assemble Isabel's CHRISTMAS toy that she has been so anxiously awaiting for us to assemble. It's this Learning House that she seems very pleased with. Yes, we are some with-it parents! What a bunch of lazy asses. I am so glad she is only nine months and unable to harp about what bums we are for not getting to this sooner.

But you can. Feel free to roast us.

What Matters Most

2006-04-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

Bryan and I had a disagreement last night. Well, for us, it was a fight. It doesn't happen too often. We were going along having a great evening, and then the moment happened when it all fell apart. He was hurt and went about the rest of the evening quiet, and I was silent and tearful. We don't fight with loud words thrown around, but the tension is there nevertheless.

Then there are the children. You still have the children in the middle of this. You can't just huff off, be selfish, and think of yourself. I suppose if we were a dysfunctional family of some sort we would scream and yell and drag the kids in the middle or forget about them.

But we're not. Well, we're not screamers, first of all. I always think of those people on Dr. Phil (for example) who agree to go "on camera" at home and then proceed to belittle each other. Holy moly. Why did those people marry in the first place? And what are they like when the camera is taken out of the house?

However, most importantly, the children matter most of all. So, as much as I wanted to go and not be around Bryan for that moment, I had to sit there and interact with him as we sat there and played with our two children.

And a funny thing happened. My son started goofing off with a dancing Elmo and doing the "Hokey Pokey". My daughter started her silly nine month old sway dancing that she just started doing, in which she either shakes her shoulders or her rear end. My husband and I just started cracking up laughing. We just had to start talking to each other again about what they were doing.

I started to cool down. I saw the love that we both shared for these children. It made me realize that what we were disagreeing about was pretty insignificant compared to what really mattered in our lives and the love that sustains this relationship.

What To Be...What To Be?

2006-04-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

Given our children are gifted and inherited our exceptional brain power, I decided to introduce my nine month old, Isabel, to the world of career exploration. You can never start too young, I say.

She initially was riveted by telecommunications. I told her telemarketing definitely wasn't the way to go. Dead end career. And although she is a very good heavy breather right now, and it certainly pays better, her father wouldn't approve of working for the 900 phone industry.

She moved on to exploring becoming a musician with a proclivity towards the kazoo. We discussed that the kazoo really doesn't have much of a place in the world of music nowadays, except with goofballs like this.

You must go to college young lady! Construction worker no. You can wear a hardhat if you are an architect...how about that? Who doesn't want to be like Ted Brady?

Now, there we go....

How My Dog Has Changed Since I Have Had Kids

2006-04-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

Almost ten years ago, I finished graduate school and bought myself a special friend. No, not that one. Get your minds out of the gutter. I was working in lovely Iowa at the time and found myself a Golden Retriever named Timmy. Hey, don't make fun of the name! He's very sensitive. Timmy has seen me through three serious relationships, and obviously the last of these relationships cultivated in a marriage.

You'd think, being a Golden Retriever, he would find special joy in chasing balls and jumping in pools of water, but I bought the one Retriever that has no interest in either. So, the way to Timmy's heart is through is stomach. Many of the first years that I had him, I worked in cities away from the person I was dating. He used to sit closely by me when I ate my measly small morsels at night, which often just consisted of cheese and crackers. A piece of cheese to the floor a luxury. A small corner of cracker pure heaven.

In those days, a finicky dog he wasn't. He would eat regurgitated material if it meant more food for him. (OK, well, he still does that. Which ironically sounds gross and is gross but sometimes really helps if you are in crisis mode with a sick child.) However, nowadays, in the world of a family, Timmy has developed almost an arrogance about what he will accept in the way of scraps. American cheese...argh, no. Bread...well, maybe. Fruit...what are you thinking!?

At night, when he used to faithfully lie at my feet under the dinner table, he now waits by one of the children knowing that something good will probably be dropped, and his chance of meat are probably greater. He likes babyfood meat/vegetable combos (it still is meat), and that usually gets all over the place under the baby's highchair. One night we were having pot roast, and the baby was having just plain old baby food, and Timmy was between a rock and a hard place. He smelled the pot roast, which was favored, but knew the babyfood was easier accessed...so he just kept roaming, back and forth, back and forth....just waiting for the kill, I guess.

The baby continuously drops cereal (cheerios), and Timmy won't touch it. Mr. I Am Too Good For Cereal Now. I constantly have to pick them off the floor. Why have a dog if they won't eat the damn Cheerios off the floor!? Ha Ha.

Oh well, like I say, at least he cleans up after the kids when they are sick. We all grow and change when the kids come.

Weekend Away-Who Would Be Interested?

2006-04-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

OK, Colleen suggested it, and I am totally into it. Who would be into going to Las Vegas for a weekend? I don't care if you have adopted/will be adopting/just thinking about adopting/know someone who has adopted. Just join us and get away from the kids..it would be a blast. So, leave a message below and a link to get a hold of you if you don't have a blog.

Falling In Love Is A Process

2006-04-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

I posted this back in December, but I was reminded of it last night as my daughter yanked a water bottle out of my hands. Things have been hectic in my household lately, and I need to be reminded of what I love. I decided to repost it.

12/23/05
The other night I was holding my daughter, Isabel, and my son, Ian, was sitting alongside me. I was drinking a bottle of water. Of course, Ian always insists that I share my water with him, and so, we have this ritual in which we pass the bottle back and forth. This time, however, six month old, Isabel, seemed to show an interest in what we were doing.

So, for the first time, we included her in the ritual. Her arms were flapping in excitement, and little baby coos and screams were heard when she was trying to indicate it was her turn for a drink of water . Oh, how funny it was to have another member of the family assimilate to our habits, and yet assert her own little personality! It was one of those little snapshot moments I won't forget...passing around a water bottle at 9PM.

Then, I started thinking again about how you fall in love with your children. I don't care if they are biological or adopted, I think it really is a process and it does not happen overnight. I have heard all kinds of things online....from worries that parents won't bond to an adopted child like a biological child to no worries and that they think that will bond to a child and that it will happen instantaneously. I think what bonds you to a child is experience. It is not the biological tie. I also think you need to be somewhat prepared to not instantly bond with your child as it is a process.

We fall in love with our children through shared experiences. We fall in love with them through caring for them through all their sleepless nights and sick days and the times that they fell down and got "owies". We fall in love with them for teaching us about ourselves and selflessness. We fall in love with them for their goofy laughter and spontaneousness and their ability to bring our young selves out. We fall in love with them for their compassion and innocence. We fall in love with them for their openness...for their chance to be little, to be young, to love life to the fullest.

....So as I watched my youngest drink from the water bottle...something so minor...I was reminded how much she had become a part of my family, how much I had nutured her everyday.....How the three of us were sitting there giggling about something as silly as drinking water from a bottle. And that made me pretty happy. And I realized I had fallen deeply, madly, in love once again.

Just Like Sex And The City

2006-04-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

I had a blast this weekend with Mary-Mia, Lisa, and Gen during my big weekend getaway escape from the husband and kids. It was a major production as we got to the restaurant at 6:00 and didn't leave until 10:00. I was thinking the four of us were just like the Sex And The City gals. Hmmmm, I wonder who is Samantha?

That was the longest dinner I had in a long time. We exchanged some baby gifts. Mary-Mia has some great pictures on her website. The waiters sang "Happy Adoption Day" to us (to the tune of happy birthday), and Lisa got so excited she broke her glass, smashing it on the table. (or was it the wine?) Notice the bits of glass and the tablecloth covering it beneath her. Well, they are kind of hard to see, but believe me..they are there. We almost all went home with small glass shards in our hands.

Moms Gone Wild, huh, Lisa? I guess we found our Samantha. (Ha Ha...you're welcome Lisa!)

Afterwards, Gen and I went back to my hotel lobby to wait for her ride. Gen ordered a glass of Chardonnay, and the waitress looks at this huge Baby bag sitting in front of her that I gave her with a gift in it and said, "Are you guys coming from a Baby Shower?"
Or basically, "Should you be ordering wine?"

Hysterical.

Then we explained that we were adopting from China, and she was stuttering....., "oh, oh, well, when do you get them? Are they newborn? When do you pick them up?"

You could cut the tension with a knife. It was funny because you could tell she didn't know anything about adoption and was trying to make conversation.

Thank you guys for a great night!

LID 3/22/06

2006-03-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks everyone for your support yesterday. I appreciated it. Somedays it just feels like somebody just hits you with a board, and TH-WACK, you can barely function.

I made it through, got some sleep, and I'm back to the jovial blogger you all know and love. I'm looking forward to my weekend getaway without children. I'm leaving the husband behind and I'm going to go have dinner with Mary-Mia and Gen in San Jose. Then, I'll spend the night alone, (peacefully) and perhaps take in a massage the next morning.

Just woke up to an email from CCAI that I am LID as of 3/22/06. Logged In. Hurrah. Probably not in any hurry for that third child given yesterday, but it doesn't look like I have to worry about that. HA HA HA. Isn't that funny. Rolling on floor laughing hysterically. I chose China given the long waiting period (6 months!). I thought I would need some extra time. Now I've got plenty. Oh well. Maybe I'll get sane.

OK, depressing. I'm at Starbucks right now, and college boys just called me Ma'am. Do I look like like a ma'am? I'm going back under.....getting depressed...Hehehe

Just Surviving

2006-03-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

So, I had a five minute crying fit on my closet floor this morning while getting dressed because I just broke down from exhaustion. (my husband has been working late so much this month and going in early, the baby is sick and vomiting, my son has been throwing tantrums....the list goes on and on)

I then proceeded to pull myself up and keep plugging along. Such is life.

It's hard to try and "fake it" for the kids when you feel so empty inside some days.

I was reminded by reading this post this morning that many are going through the same thing.

I'll hang in there.

Look At This New Toy

2006-03-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

When Bryan and I got our taxes done a few weeks ago, we made the drive up from San Diego to Anaheim to our tax preparer. Then, as we usually do, we go to a restaurant we like in Downtown Disney. On the way out, of course, because the area caters to families (duh!), there is a big LEGO store, we perused through. Bryan must have been feeling generous, because he decided to buy Ian this big LEGO plane set.

Anyway, we put it together this weekend, and I just wanted to show you an observation I made. (I mean other than the fact that of the five people included to staff the airport, of course, there are no women "guys" as Ian likes to call them.)

First, here is Mr. Oblivious Joe Cool Pilot and his jet.

Now, here is the air traffic control tower. Kind of cool, huh?

Look at this Gentleman. Either he is a passenger or he is the Air Traffic Controller. Either way, his evil look screams "Terrorist" or "Holy Cow, You Need A Vacation!" (Or maybe LEGO is representing the truth about our air traffic controllers in the U.S)

Once again, above, here he is again, about to jump off the top of the air traffic control tower. And also, on the wing of the aircraft.

Finally, when I was searching for Joe Cool Pilot to take a picture of him, I couldn't find him anywhere. Finally, I found him in the luggage bin with the suitcases. Apparently, my son had stowed him away under the plane. Hmmmm, maybe he does understand the terrorist/disgruntled employee and hostage scenario a little more than I realize?

Why Must Women Hurt Each Other?

2006-03-27T13:27:00.000-08:00

Back in fifth grade, one of my best friends, who meant the world to me, had a slumber party. I had introduced her to one of my other friends, who went to another school, earlier that year. For some reason, they had formed some sort of new alliance that seemed to exclude me. Later that evening, we decided (in stupid little girl fashion) to do "slam books". [I looked up a web definition in case you didn't know what one was: Traditionally a notebook passed from student to student in which questions are written and answered anonymously. Questions often focus on such issues as which girl is most popular, who is a dog, and which teacher is the worst dressed. Named "slam book" because when a teacher would come near, the book would be slammed shut and covered with homework, papers, or other appropriate camouflage]

However, these questions were more catered to those at the party, and they are meant to be cruel. I remember coming home from the party in tears because the answers given to me were just atrocious. Just. Plain. Mean. Especially from my so called friends. My mom says she remembers me saying that I tried to say something nice or neutral about everyone and that I couldn't believe the answers that I received in return. Although there must have been ten or twelve people at the party, you always know the people closest to you and their handwriting.

Fast forward to my first jobs and internships out of college. Young twenty something women working in business positions in manufacturing plants in the midwest. I'm trying to establish myself as a credible HR professional within a workforce of mostly men business professionals. Most of the women I work with are non-exempt administrative professionals who I am not "competing" with on any level.

I project an image of self confidence. Inside, I feel very vulnerable and scared. I hear all kinds of things from the men after work when we go out to dinner at night about how I got my job..."sleeping my way to the top" from some of these women. Gaffaw Gaffaw. Laugh Laugh. Project my aire of confidence. Pretend that these women at work are jealous and silly. When I get home I feel conflicted. Why do these women do this to me at work? Why must they bring me down when I want them to like me?

So, for many reasons in my life, I've depended on the friendship of men. But in some ways, that has its own conflicts. I really don't think that is appropriate anymore, either. I've yearned, especially since having children and being married, for more female friendships, because I feel that there's a connection there that men don't understand, and I know deep down there is a deepness there, that sadly, I don't know if I've ever gotten to experience in my adult life because I have been hurt by women so much in the past.

I think I have learned in the past few years to forgive. I have also realized that there is something missing in my life that will only be realized through forming female friendships. I know through reading a lot of these blogs that there are good souls out there. I have met many of them online, and several of them in person.

Now that I'm blogging, and "putting myself out there", I want to know that the women reading my blog are not going to "hurt" me. And by that, I mean, that most of the time, I don't write anything but happy posts. Most of us don't. I got the thinking, though, that staying at home is a tough job, but I think most of us are afraid to write about the rough spots. Oh, I do, but they are few and far between. That's why I was proud of Lisa this week for talking about her current issues. Or people like Elizabeth who always balance the good with the bad.

I guess I'm afraid I'll have an issue like this Sadness Post, and I'll receive nasty comments like she did. Granted, there is snarkiness in the post, but that is the writer's style. If you see that the general tone of the post is depression, can't you just leave it at that, and just empathize or choose not to comment?

I saw Mary Mia's post on Lisa's blog the other day in which she said it was nice that "she was getting honest"about what was going on in her life because she didn't know if she ever was ever going to measure up to all of the other moms out there. I agree. Some days are dreadfully hard for me. I hope that if I decide to post about what a terrible day I'm having or how sad I'm feeling, I won't be judged.

Ian and His Bling (Or How I Turned My Son Gay)

2006-03-23T16:37:00.000-08:00

I was getting Ian ready for bed the other night, and I had to do a few things in my bedroom before we went downstairs again. He raided some old jewelry box of mine that is filled with some gold jewelry that I don't wear anymore. (I'm a Platinum girl now)

He kept running to me to put it on him, so what the heck...I figured..who cares? He had a watch, some bracelets, a ring, and a necklace on in the end...it was funny. So, I said..go downstairs, and show your daddy. I knew Bryan was going to freak out.

From downstairs I hear..."WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER DOING TO YOU?"

And Ian is prancing around, laughing and posing.

Bryan smiles, but it's as if placing a necklace around Ian's neck is going to transfer feminine molecules that will somehow ooze into Ian's pores thus creating a greater likelihood of homosexuality in the future. Not like there's anything wrong with that....to reference my favorite show of all time.

I pick up the camera.

Ian says, "Cheese, Cheese!" because he likes to get his picture taken.

Bryan says, "OH NO!" As if the whole world will think our three year old is anything less than the epitome of a young male child.

Grown men are silly.

Halloween Costume Idea (A Bit Premature)

2006-03-22T11:08:00.000-08:00

whoopie cushion costume, originally uploaded by jenjram.

Alright, no more mention of Whoopie Cushions for a long while after this. But who would have thought?

Let's hope no Big Fat Drunk Frat Boy decides to throw himself on top of this poor little girl and see if this "Whoopie Cushion" is for real.

Stay The Course

2006-03-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

I know that there are so many out there who are lamenting this extended wait on their children...a wait that seems endless and unknown because the CCAA isn't making known their reasons for why this has happened or if it will change. I read the hopelessness, especially in the blogs of those who have no children. My words will make no difference to you if you are in that much despair, but for those of you who have some hope...hang on.

Crude analogy ahead.

In 2001, I was in the best shape of my life. I ran my first marathon--The Rock and Roll in San Diego. I doubt I'll get in that kind of running shape again. So, on June 2, my training partner and I got up bright and early and ran the race together...we were psyched! 26.2 miles and nothing would stop us. When we got to mile 20, there was a woman ahead of us in BRIGHT YELLOW shorts and a jog bra. She must have bought those shorts especially for the marathon. If you are not familiar with mile 20, it is also infamously known as "The Wall" where a lot of runners poop out in a marathon. Well, when I glanced down at Ms. Yellow Shorts, it (ahem!) appeared that her monthly visitor had arrived. By the bucketful. All over her backside. Oh. My. God. (And filled with endorphins that we were, we became giggling fools....it actually helped us run better!)

But then...what do we do? Do we tell her? What is the point? What can she do? I hope to God no one told her and she got to finish the race she trained so hard for. You train for months for this. It already was embarassing for her, and she made it so far. If someone told her, she might just veer off course and not finish. I really don't know if she did or not.

My point is sometimes life can deal you some crappy hands when you have worked really hard to fulfill a goal. Working towards a family is a goal that many of us have, and when it isn't coming to fruition in the proper time frame....many of us our veering the course. And by veering the course, I mean becoming too overly negative. Oh, and I am the last person that will blow sunshine up your ass all the time, but I do believe that wallowing in negativity does hurt you in the long run. Sadness and longing is alright every once in awhile, but focus on your long term family goals. Your child will be here in the distant future.

Stay the course.

Corners of the Motherdom Home #2 (Kind Of) and Special Demo YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS

2006-03-17T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know what I did last week, but everyone felt kind of bad about having a clean house. Stephanie even felt obliged to take a picture of her unkempt closet for her Corners segment this week. Ha Ha. That cracked me up. All I was trying to do was not copy from you directly, and add some humor to my segment. But feel free to keep taking pictures of your messes! Makes me feel better!

So, although this doesn't really "showcase" my main living area, I figure, it shows up in enough other pictures anyway. It's pretty much trashed all the time, except (1) on Mondays when Rosa picks it up and vacuums, and (2) when we attempt to actually make the kids put all the toys away in correct plastic storage containers. (which I was really good at for awhile) I'm not that bad, really...it gets picked up at night, but come the next day, it's a mess again...the leather ottoman table gets pushed around (which, by the way, I highly recommend as an end table as opposed to a table table) For a baby learning to walk and pull herself up, it's amazing! I bought it right after Ian learned to walk, and I wish I had had the foresight to buy it beforehand. Nothing works on real coffee tables to keep babies from hurting themselves...not stupid baby bumper things you wrap around...nothing...

OK, so awhile back I wrote about me introducing Ian to a whoopie cushion. We were in bed, so we just played with it with our hands. Now, Ian will DEMO how to REALLY use a whoopie cushion. He's gotten quite sophisticated:

DEPLOYMENT OF THE WHOOPIE CUSHION

FIRST, INFLATE USING YOUR PERSONAL OXYGEN SOURCE OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU, SUCH AS THE FAVORITE, THE MOTHER

SECOND, ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT A FART SOUND WILL BE HEARD, THROW DEVICE ON GROUND, AND THROW BUTTOCKS ON GROUND. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. REPEAT STEP ONE.

AN ALTERNATIVE TO STEP TWO, IS THE CHAIR. PLACE WHOOPIE CUSHION ON CHAIR, THEN BUTTOCKS, LAUGH. REPEAT STEP ONE.

They're Getting More and More Obnoxious Every Day....

2006-03-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

Isn't it heart wrenching to know that our sweet little cherubs are becoming more and more like Dad with each passing day, and there is nothing we can do to stop this insidious transition?

Stop the madness!

A Very Difficult Thought

2006-03-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

There's an interesting debate going on at APC. I don't usually have time to read APC, nor do I usually care. However, today, I had some time to read some of the posts, and this one actually caught my eye, and I kept reading. I don't know if any of you read the posts, or if many of you are usually like me and delete.

The topic was: If you found out your adopted Chinese baby was abducted (which is taken from the parents) or stolen and sold (which is abandoned but trafficked) after having him/her home for some time, what would you do? After several months? What about several years? Would you return the baby to the Chinese/the "birth" parents? Would you refuse?

I would also be interested in knowing if you have children already or if you do not.

I am interested in hearing opinions on this. Please be respectful of others. I will edit any posts that "flame" others. I don't think it will get to that, though. I want to create an environment where all are invited to share an opinion.

OK..It's March Dimwits...

2006-03-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

OK, I can procrastinate as much as the next person, but there gets to be a point where procrastination turns into sheer laziness.

My point:

I am driving down the street to turn into my neighborhood, and I see Christmas lights (CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?!) hanging off someone's house a block before my turnoff. Granted, they're the white icicle kind that are harder to notice, but it's March! St. Patrick's Day is Friday! My Goodness...Get Off Your Lazy Butts!

Of course, this isn't within the confines of our neighborhood "home association" because The Cleavers would have hunted them down and axed them. We got a stern warning at Christmas time that all Christmas lights were to be down by January 16th. Well, that was 2 months ago!

Time to drink some green beer this weekend and take down the Christmas lights.

Some Exciting Stuff

2006-03-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

Today is the day the cleaning lady comes, and I am sure she thinks we purposely see how trashed we can get the house from one week to the next. I'm lucky poor Rosa comes back. I try to be as nice to her as possible. Last week she broke something accidently, and offered to buy a replacement. Yeah, right, like I'm going to make her pay for something...it takes a long time to find a good, reliable housecleaner. If you ever are in the market for someone to clean your house: heed my advice. Find someone who works independently. Do not go through a service like Merry Maids or Molly Maids or whatever trendy name you find in the phone book that you think sounds safe because it's "bonded".

Services have high turnover, pay terrible, and therefore, the people clean terrible. If someone is in it for themselves, they are going to collect all the money themselves, and therefore, going to make sure you are happy with the job. I have never had a problem with anyone who worked for themselves. I have had all kinds of issues with the services. So, there you go. Rosa has been with us for almost two years, and we have never had any issues with her at all. When I lived in Southern California, a few years ago, I used someone independent for a couple years, and she was great. However, before Rosa, up here in Sacramento, I used Merry Maids (and they cost a fortune!) and another chain, and it was new person after new person and inconsistent job after inconsistent job.

Boy, isn't this an exciting post on domesticity? Maybe I'll stop now.

Am I A Bad Mommy?

2006-03-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

My son had a little $3 toy that was given to him by some family friends that when you pressed it, made 30 seconds of train sounds...basically sounding like a train chugging down the tracks with random whistle blowing every now and then. He loved it.

My husband and I would hide it at various places around the house because when he found it, he would carry it around and just keep pressing the button FOREVER. Then, this week, I tossed it in the garbage while he was in preschool.

Am I a bad mother?

Wishes

2006-03-12T11:38:00.000-08:00

To all of you who have sent me quilt wishes, thank you! I need to get them posted, and yours will be on your way this week. (I promise!) I have been slow in getting them out because my daughter has been sick this week, and she was extra clingy. I haven't forgotten!

My 100 Wishes Quilt Blog can be reached here. I obviously need a bunch, and I would be happy to reciprocate.

Corners of the Motherdom Home #1

2006-03-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

I stole the "Corners" idea from Stephanie, as she gave me permission, but I wanted to give it a unique twist since I don't maintain my home to the same fastidious ideals as she does. Plus, since many of you are on the road to motherhood, I wanted to give you an "inside" look at the life of a mother of two. For everyone else, you can see what a wreck I am.

This is the downstairs bathroom. As you can see, it has been overtaken by everything three years old and under. Mostly. The device to the left of the toilet is Ian's potty chair made by Primo, which after trying many, is my favorite. He doesn't really need a potty chair anymore, but this just sits on top of the toilet to help him balance and he can set it up himself.

The rug sits disheveled on the floor topped with a red ribbon that was tied around a Coach bag I received last year. It's become a favorite toy of Ian's. Whatever works. There is a purple bowl sitting in there on top of the step stool. I must have carried that in there last night to keep Isabel occupied while Ian was "taking care of business". There is a t shirt lying on the floor--Ian must have decided to take his shirt off last night. Why not run around naked?

We have the strawberry softsoap foam to wash our hands because we have to entice the kids to wash their hands. I have some Purell there, too. There's a cup there because Ian insists on a drink of water after each bathroom visit. Why..I don't know?

In the trash, you'll see the CCAI newletter. Where else am I going to have time to read the agency newletter? Ha Ha Ha! I thought that was kind of funny when I was taking the picture. On the floor, I think there is my husband's Business Week, too. See? Although, he has always read in the bathroom so that isn't anthing new.

Then, there used to be kleenex and decorations on the back of the toilet in those rattan containers. Now, we just shove a spare roll of toilet paper in the kleenex box, and the jar with decorations has been tipped so many times that just those three (whatever they are) remain. Air freshner sits there too because my husband has to use that toilet every once in awhile (Bha ha ha!...are you reading this Bryan?)

Beautiful, eh?

WE ARE DTC!!!!

2006-03-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

We got an email from our agency that our dossier was sent to China on Monday (3/6/06)! Finally! Hopefully we will get an LID (log in date) in March, as well!

Here's hoping the wait shortens for us, as well as everyone!

He's Got Personality

2006-03-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

My first child, Ian, was born on January 4, 2003, a week and half before his due date. This is insignificant in the world of obstetrics and very significant in the world of a 38 week old pregnant woman who very much wants the baby out. It was suprising that it happened the first pregnancy, which sometimes drags out a long time for some people. We watched the Ohio State game (my alma mater) the night of January 3rd, they won the national championship, so how fitting that my water broke immediately after during the evening news?

But perhaps the most poignant point is that Ian shares his birthday with his paternal grandfather, Phil, who Bryan lost prematurely a decade earlier due to heart disease. This touches us greatly because Bryan misses his father with such intensity and wishes he were here to see our children. Because I didn't meet Bryan until after his father passed away, I, too, never got to meet this great man. I don't know if things happen out of coincidence or for reason, but Ian has a personality that we help shape but we like to say comes from his grandfather.

Bryan and I are both fairly introverted. We've worked hard at developing good social skills, and we both chose careers (Human Resources) that honed those. At the end of the day, though, sometimes we just like to kick back and relax. Bryan's dad was an extrovert and worked in sales, and in his spare time, in his small town, worked in local politics...always the crowd pleaser.

We've watched our son from a young age, and he has always been amicable, willing to share a smile, willing to cooperate, willing to reach out and help and try to make you laugh. I was dropping Ian off at school today, and there appeared to be a new child there named Anthony. The class was in the middle of circle time, and Anthony had to go to the bathroom. He looked worried. All of a sudden Ian shouted out to me he had to go to. So I let him run back there with Anthony. A minute later there was a cacophony of giggles coming from the midget bathroom. (Have you seen those little toilets..they are so cute!)

The teacher and I go to check to see what is going on. Ian and Anthony are standing there going pee standing with their pants around their ankles. (picture this in your mind's eye..it is so cute to see to little toddler butts with pants and underwear around their ankles peeing in midget toilets) Well, Anthony is trying to pee, and Ian is making him laugh. Ian had to pee about a teaspoon. I think he just went back there to make him comfortable. But it loosened him up and he felt better.

Then I saw Ian get ready to go sit back in circle and he chose to sit next to a child who Bryan affectionately refers to as "Crazy Clyde". (just joking...because we have been there five times and have never heard him talk!) Clyde seems to be painfully shy. However, as I was walking out the door, I heard Clyde say to Ian, "Hi, Ian." Oh, my Gosh. I was amazed that Clyde could speak. I think Ian has a very amazing ability to identify with many types of peers/people.

I think Bryan and I have the ability to shape what Ian does with his personality, but personalities are very much inborn, to an extent, in my opinion. So, no big time politics, my son...no corruption, OK? I don't want anything to happen to your sweet disposition.

Maybe You Have A Normal Family?

2006-03-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

We are back from San Diego. Got up at 5AM this morning to catch a flight with the family, so I am not feeling too sharp this morning. The weekend didn't go so well because Isabel got an intestinal bug, Ian got a skin infection for which we had to take him to an urgent care for antibiotics, but primarily it goes a bit deeper.

As I said previously, we go down annually to get our taxes done, but we always turn this into a long weekend trip to see Bryan's family. I don't know if Bryan's family thinks we all fly down and stay four nights just for kicks (since we're not doing touristy things), but it costs money to fly the family down and stay in a hotel (no one has the room to put us all up)and rent a car. It's also not a vacation. I mean, I like seeing family, but if I'm spending money on hotels, I prefer to do it on vacations.

I don't know, I think his sister and mother are glad to see us and enjoy and love Ian and Isabel. Maybe this is more a rant about his brother, Brent, and sister in law. We are down there only a few times a year, and they barely make an effort to spend much time with us. We have this weekend planned out for months. I know it has everything to do with his sister in law, Jenny, but I don't understand why. Barbara (Bryan's sister) has dinner planned at 6:30, and Brent and Jenny walk in the door at 7:30. Talk about being excited to see us. Maybe we wouldn't take it so personally if it wasn't such a consistent pattern. It happens most times we're in town. They leave precisely at 9:00. They have a son, Jack, who is young (1st grade), so yes, he needs to get to bed, but come on....I'm hurt, I'm hurt for Bryan, I'm hurt for my kids who won't really ever know their relatives or cousin.

Why she dislikes me, which I am assuming is the case, since Bryan never had the issue before me and the children, I don't know. I want to be involved with the families and know my nephew. Right before they left that evening, she said how she had so much to do the next day, basically implying that the family was unavailable to do anything. I managed to state that I thought it would be fun if Ian could spend some time with his cousin and us at the science museum...and oh, she didn't have to go if she didn't want. Then I invited Brent along. HeHeHe. She was probably pissed because I got her husband involved, too. So, we all went together as a family the next day without her...but it still ticks me off because there is tension there, and obviously, it effects the relationship as a family.

They never come visit us. They never acknowledged Isabel's birth. They didn't buy us Christmas presents. (which isn't a big deal, in and of itself, but they bought gifts for everyone in the family except us...they bought for the kids, but not us when we bought for the whole family just like we do every year. Just weird)

And of course, they never asked about the adoption. Not like I expected any interest in that. I guess I am trying to figure out where all my anger and hurt is coming from because I don't have anything close to strong bonds to my siblings. I love my sister and brother, but they aren't reaching out and asking me about it, either. I never had a terribly close relationship with them, so I guess I had hoped when I married Bryan, I might be able to foster closer relationships with his family. I feel somehow slighted possibly? I don't know what I pictured, but I guess it wasn't this.

Ironically, when it comes to the adoption and many other things, I feel like this online community in many ways has become my family. I feel so little love and support from the ones who supposedly care.

In families lie conundrums.

Random Thoughts

2006-03-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

We're going to San Diego this weekend to visit my husband's family and get our taxes done. Our tax guy happens to live down south, so we use this trip to visit the family and take care of business. It's usually good news (tax wise) since my husband had been married before, so we can do a little dance of alimony recovery and go have a drink to celebrate. (and then proceed to figure out what debt to spend our tax check on over our drink)

So, once again, I'm BEGGING you...if you have a moment..please, please, please find a swatch (just 8x8) of fabric (even if it's just in your home!), and help me with my 100 wishes quilt! 100 is a large number, and when you are pathetic and have no friends....well, it takes awhile to accomplish. Just click on the right hand side there to read all about it! It's easy, and you will forever be memorialized in my daughter's quilt. Pretty nifty, eh?

The Family Bed

2006-02-28T09:41:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, in the land of singlehood, I had very good intentions, ideals, and patterns that I would follow for my baby to be.

Time outs and no spanking. (works really well..must apply consistently)

I'll try to make home made baby food. (that lasted a month)

Consistent, early bedtime. (Consistent, yes. Early, no)

One of the things that I thought was really goofy was co-sleeping and the family bed. Co-sleeping seems to be a fine thing while you are nursing, but the whole idea of sleeping with your family for years on end is bizarre to me.

My opinion is co-sleeping with your kids will affect your marriage and relationship. I remember reading a board about co-sleeping when I was pregnant with Ian. The advocates were saying you find "other places" in the house to have sex with your husband. First, when would you have the time if not at night if you have kids? Second, where? The bathroom? Great, I want to be sitting on the toilet going at it with my husband. Tres romantic.

Fast forward three years....I wake up every morning with my husband and my son and daughter tucked between us. What gives?

Well, not every morning. Usually, one of them, though. I know it means we're lazy because we don't get up and walk him back to bed. (or put her back in crib) However, sometimes sleep is necessary.

Funny how the parental expectations we set for ourselves will change, relax or become consistently more important.

Reminders

2006-02-27T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today is Ian's first day back at a new preschool day, and mommy is breathing a sigh of relief after almost six weeks of the little ruffian having the rule of the roost. I reflect back to my post about Stay at Home Moms and hope maybe some smoother days are ahead now that we found a school. Hopefully. This weekend was chaotic. I was tearing my hair out yesterday. And then as I put Ian to bed, I stroked his hair and cheek, he whispered I love you, and I was reminded of what a sweet angel I am really blessed to have.

I've been following Karen's blog as many of you have since her cancer diagnosis, and at this point, I felt it apropos to comment. Because, although many of us don't know her personally or behind the scenes, I admire the fact that she can even can blog or keep up all that she is DOING in the face of adversity. Sure, I bet she has wicked days where she is angry, sad, upset and facing all types of varying feelings. However, the fact that she faces these head on is of great inspiration to me.

So, this one is for you Karen. Thank you. When my life gets difficult, you show me how to face it with great dignity instead of burying my face in the sand.

100 Wishes Quilt

2006-02-26T12:46:00.000-08:00

Alright, I broke down, and so now, I have to ask you all if you will contribute your wishes to my quilt.

Please Click Here if you haven't already clicked above.

Ponch and Jon Are Your Friends

2006-02-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

chp, originally uploaded by jenjram.

Driving home yesterday, I pulled off the interstate exit towards our home. I always speed off the ramp pretty fast. Many times I forget that my friends, the CHP, like to sit and wait for people like me who forget to slow down.

I'm driving down the road when in the rearview mirror I see in the distance something that looks like it might be a police car.

Oh no, I think!

Muttering under my breath in a singsongy voice I chant,

"don'tbeapolicecar, don'tbeapolicecar, don'tbeapolicecar, don'tbeapolicecar, don'tbeapolicecar....."

A little voice in the back says, "I'm scared..."

It was my son, Ian.

I said, "What are you scared of, sweetie?"

"The police," he said.

Oh, great, most three year olds admire police officers and those that uphold the law. Mine fears them.

Superb mothering.

***********UPDATE*********

Many of you are under the impression that I did get pulled over. And after all of that, it was just a car with a ski rack. I'm near sighted...what can I say?

The Fruit Bowl

2006-02-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

So, I buy this fruit bowl last month thinking I need a simple centerpiece for my kitchen table or island.

Being a mother with little time, my thought process is: I'll fill it with some nice, green, granny smith apples and put it on display. Cheap, easy, simple...and it will complement my color scheme.

Great idea, right?

So, now, fast forward one month.

Where is my fruit bowl?

Oh, it is a centerpiece all right. In one of the very places I was imagining.

Well, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

Certainly not granny smith like.

In the land of motherhood, I guess practicality wins. It makes a very snazzy holder on my makeshift table, though.

Snot Bubble

2006-02-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

Bet you can't do this.

Well, maybe Gen's Sean can...he seems talented that way.

Why Are You Adopting?

2006-02-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

The other day, while touring the preschool that I think will become Ian's new abode, I mentioned to the owner that I was going to be adopting a third child.

"Why?" She asked. "Aren't those yours?"

Of course, I am not one to get bent out of shape about this, and yet, to an extent I am. I told this to my husband, and I had to do a little explaining about why this can be offensive. I need to do a little work with him. But I take it in stride, and see it as a chance to practice my adoption language.

"Yes," I said, "They are my biological children."

What gets me more than anything already is why people feel inclined to ask "why?" When I was expecting a baby through pregnancy nobody asked me why. Nobody questioned my intent. I have asked my husband, who is much more guarded about his personal life than I, who he has told, which is basically no one. I told him once he starts sharing it with people, especially strangers, he will get some of the questions that I am not sure how to answer.

Why do I have to answer it? It's how I want to form my family.

For the sake of this blog, though, I don't know if I ever really addressed the issue of why we are adopting.

It all started about a year ago....

I am a pretty spontaneous person. I was flipping through a Time magazine in my miserable state of six months of pregnancy when I saw an advertisement for an international adoption agency. I don't know what it was about that moment because it was for Russian adoptions, but it got me thinking about international adoption in general. I got online, started looking at different agencies, different countries, and initially started thinking about Guatemala. I speak pretty decent Spanish and could provide a very good background in culture to a child from Latin America since that was my major in college (undergrad). I studied abroad in Mexico for a couple years, did some research in Chile and Argentina, and overall, I have a lot of interest in the area.

On top of that, I found an agency that sounded pretty good, they worked with a pretty good lawyer (such is the way adoption is there), and maintained good contacts with the birth mother. I guess I also liked the fact that I might be able to write the birth mother afterwards. Although, who knows? She might not want any contact. It might be too sad. But, at least, the advantage of Guatemala, is you do know who the birth mother is.

Anyway, because of my, um, situation, being pregnant and all, I couldn't adopt from Guatemala right there and then! Because the thing is..with Guatemala...when you are ready, you are ready! (Well, I could have since unlike China, there are no restrictions...but I wasn't ready!) The advantages are tremendous in that: it's close, you (usually) get a three month old infant, you have the birth mother information, you get a referral and can go down and take the baby to your hotel and have it with you out and about for a visit for the week. Basically, you submit your dossier, and you have your referral within a week. You have to then wait a period of three months or so while the paperwork is processing within the country.

Like I said, sometimes I get swept up in spontaneous decisions, so I told my husband that we should just table this topic awhile. We did. That is hard for me. I get swept up in the idea of having two little babies, and I forget how much work ONE little baby creates. During this time (still pregnant with Isabel), I researched China a bit. I think my husband and I talked a bit about the political situation there. We were very floored by the sheer number of female abandonments. The more and more I read about the Chinese adoption program and the familes that adopted from China, the more and more I was drawn to it.

Isabel was born, and several months passed. I then spoke to my husband about the topic again. We agreed to proceed to apply to the Chinese program since it would take awhile to put together the dossier.

I initially wanted to adopt from Guatemala because I could offer my daughter my love of the Hispanic culture and familiarity of that which I knew. But with China, I was drawn to that which I didn't have any familiarity. And, now, standing where I am today, I know I made the right decision. It is my future daughter who will teach ME just as much about myself, as I will about HERSELF.

I have only just begun this journey, but I know it is a journey of self discovery. I know that this adoption will teach me and call into question so many details of my own life, from the way I view racism in society to the way I view my own upbringing compared to two years ago.

So.

Why am I adopting?

I still don't know.

Guess 'cause I picked up that Time magazine that day.

Will that make sense to anyone?

My Tests are a Little Different

2006-02-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

Bryan had a business conference in Sonoma on Friday, so we called our sitter for an overnight stay and I joined him at the Fairmont. Very nice, but quick trip. The hotel is great, and it's even better when the company pays for the room! We had a chance to have dinner alone and take in a few wineries the next day.

So, we were goofing around talking that morning in bed, and I was complaining about something. (I don't want to give the gist of the conversation right now as I want to see if you all know what I did not) Anyhow, I don't know how this "test" joke escaped me in all my dealings with men in business and life, but all I want to ask is two questions:

(This is a bit more risque than Mary Mia's trivia I guess, but a test nonetheless!)

Ladies

(1) Do you know what the pencil test is? (in relation to breast size)

Is this something that I just didn't know?

Or, is this like an inside man joke?

So, next, if you go up to your husband and ask him about the female secretary, co-worker that you know if attractive (or not..it doesn't matter) and say:

(2) Does Suzy pass the pencil test?

And if he plays stupid, Say, "in relation to breast size?"

Report Back.

Pop Open the Champagne!

2006-02-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

On Monday, I picked up the final two documents at the Chinese Consulate that needed to be authenticated. Then, I drove over to Lisa's house for lunch and conversation, and Mary Mia force fed me chocolate covered Oreo cake. See why I can't lose weight? Damn women!

Bryan and I got the other necessary (icky) passport pictures taken Monday night. Hopefully, I didn't screw anything up. I always have this feeling I did. But, today the dossier is in the mail to CCAI. Out of my hands. And that is kind of scary, too...thinking of all the money and time invested in that pile of papers somewhere between here and Colorado!

I won't rest until I'm finally official, but at least this is the first step, eh?

Some Days I Feel Like A Lard A*s (Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day)

2006-02-12T22:21:00.001-08:00

Today, (well Sunday...I got tired and went bed before finishing this post) I was going through my closet yet again (and maybe you can relate) to see if I fit back into my (substitute your own word here {pre-adoption, pre-pregnancy, high school, college}) size. For me, it's pre-pregnancy size. It's been almost eight months since Isabel has been born, and I am still two sizes away from the majority of my wardrobe. Now, I don't look too bad to most people, but I don't fit into my clothes, people! I have a few pairs of transition jeans, and a handful of sweats....and that is it! A pair of what I called "transition" jeans with Ian, I was wearing six to eight weeks after Ian, (and became loose shortly thereafter!) I just was able to start wearing seven months after Isabel.

And what I know is I can do this again. I can be that size again. That is my healthy weight for my frame, but I just have not committed to the exercise this time. I always have been an avid runner, and for some reason, my spirit just pooped out after this baby. You know how some people say, well, after the baby comes, things happen to your body and you'll never be the same again? Well, I wish I could feed those excuses to myself this time to make myself feel better. But, unfortunately, (since I managed to lose all the weight before), I trained for a marathon the same year he was born, so I guess your body can return to normal.

But until I get motivated to start doing that I am not going to get these last 10-15 pounds off my body. It's aggravating to see all those clothes in my closet and not be able to wear them!

So, I huffed and puffed into the other room and sat myself down on a chair, and grabbed a Business Week magazine of my husbands that just happened to be sitting there. Actually, the chair happened to be the toilet, and the Business Week was just sitting there. Why else would I pick it up in anger? I figured it was too much information, but then you were probably wondering, why would I go read Business Week in a fit of rage. And why do men have to read in the bathroom? Oh, by the way, Mary Mia, there you go...a bit about my husband, Bryan. She said I don't write about him much. I'm sure he'll appreciate this bit. I figure if Gen can write about Sean with no underwear then I'll share this.

Anyway, I flip to some innocuous page while peeing. Innocent, right? Can't hurt me in that moment, right? Nope. I happen to flip to the page that says: As America is getting fatter and most clothing retailers are making larger sizes, Banana Republic is adding a size 00 to its clothing line. The "00" will attract those with a 23" waist, 31" hip.

OK, did I even have a 23" waist before adolescence? Thanks Banana Republic. Even if I do go back to shopping at your store someday, I don't want to be shopping with my 12 year old niece.
Nor, do I like going into a store and picking up an item labeled double zero. Makes me feel like a big piggo.

2006-02-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

Wha Ha Ha....

There is no room that I can't totally cover in toys within five minutes...no floor or piece of furniture that I can't scatter some crumbs or liquid over...no surface too clean for me..I'll find a substance to muddy it up...

I'm your worst nightmare...

I'm a THREE YEAR OLD!!!!!!

The World Of A SAHM

2006-02-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

All I can say is being a Stay at Home Mother is hard work. It's been said before by so many people, and yet I say it again in hope, oh, I don't know..in hope of empathy, I suppose, and giving my own spin on the Stay at Home Mom scenario.

But what does "hard" mean?

I graduated high school at age 16. I worked "hard" and graduated with the senior class when I was just a junior. I continued on to college and finished graduate school, perhaps a bit younger than most, given my "hard" work and dedication. I took on managerial jobs and was considered a high potential employee with the likes of companies like General Electric. I earned a six figure income before I was thirty because I worked "hard". My peers were the majority men---older men--very often, condescending men--and that was "hard" to deal with. But, all in all, my accomplishments, my schooling, and my job....and all of that encompasses the "hard" work of these things, make me proud. They are part of MY identity.

The past two weeks for me have been very difficult and things will continue to be so for some time, I imagine. My son, Ian, is very active and social, and shortly after my daughter, Isabel, was born, we enrolled him in a preschool. It was wonderful because he loved it and took to it immediately. You may scoff because I put him into a school, and I am a "SAHM" (as that is my "role" and he should stay home with me, too). However, I am confident the decision improved my ability to care for Isabel, lessened Ian's "sibling" rivalry with Isabel, and most importantly, improved Ian's verbal skills.

Nevertheless, there was an issue at the beginning of the year, soon after we returned from Italy. About the second week back, Ian started becoming very clingy at home. He'd cry, scream and grab me when I'd try to drop him off at school. This is the kid who used to run out of the car and into the classroom yelling, "Play, Play!" in the past. He has never been a child who was afraid and didn't want to participate. The first day, I thought it was a fluke. As it continued that week, my intuition kicked in, and it didn't feel right. I sat in the classroom. That's where the "holy cow, I am grateful I am a stay at home mother" voices rang in my head once again.

That first day (it was a Tuesday) when Ian didn't want to go and clung to me, I didn't make him because it just didn't feel right. Call it intuition, but it just didn't feel like just a typical tantrum. He kept shouting "No school!" and so he stayed home with me. It wouldn't have been an option a working mom or dad would have had, and that would have been heart wrenching.

Like I said, things progressed, so when I tried to make him go a second day and I had to drag him into the classroom, I stayed with him awhile. Things were very tense in the classroom, and I could tell since there had been a teacher switch, the remaining old teacher (who had responsibility of training the new teacher and overseeing everything) was pretty stressed out. I could tell the new teacher was not helping out very much since she was in her first week or so, and wasn't too comfortable yet. Becca (old teacher) was snapping a bit at the kids.

Just by me being able to sit in the classroom for a couple days, I was able to figure out that the teacher switch was probably was what was disturbing Ian, and definitely this tension is what was bothering him. I couldn't have figured it out otherwise, and I would have been worrying myself sick thinking it could be anything...what was it? We don't yell much in this household unless absolutely warranted, so I think what happened is with all the stress there, he must have gotten snapped at...and it scared him a lot. He is the kind of kid that can run around the house, fall down hard, and not cry when you think he should be hysterical, but if someone yells at him for something relatively minor, then he will burst into tears.

He was so scared that I pulled him out of school. There is no reason to continue right now if it is making him feel that way. He was tossing and turning in bed that week and peeing himself during naps. He seems to be doing better now.

But that brings me back to me and the fact that I have both of them constantly now....

Hard Work.

You just can't compare staying at home with kids to a "real" job. You just can't. I mean, I know people do it to give women credit, so for that, wonderful. But come on? I think perhaps many people...and a lot of men and husbands don't understand! This is perhaps a total surrender of WHO WE ARE for quite awhile. This is a pretty selfless gift for our family. This is in many ways giving up part of our identities so we can shape the identities of our children.

Previously, I stated that my accomplishments and career were part of MY identity. I have no desire to go back to my career at the moment because this is the decision that I made for my family, for myself, and for my children. I also support all women who continue to work. I think that is also a very difficult balance. However, in choosing to not work, I believe I lose a part of who I am/was/had become. That makes me sad at times. Sometimes, I miss being that person. I miss that part of my identity. I think we make sacrifices for what is important to us.

In many ways being home is "hard" because it is not challenging...it is mindless at times. I can get so angry because my children test my patience to the limits. Being surrounded by children constantly can be a very lonely place. There are days that my husband can't come home until very late from work, and I need an adult to talk to. He does not understand the resentment that builds if that is a particularly bad day, and I know it is inappropriate to take it out on him....but some days the world of playdoh and babyfood and poopy diapers can make you feel really alone....

So, Ian's preschool did give me a bit of a break. I don't think you can say a Stay at Home Mother is a bad mother if she needs to put her child in childcare/preschool occasionally. It's like asking are you a bad Manager if you need to delegate occasionally? Usually it makes you a better one.

This Weekend's Adventures

2006-02-06T10:08:00.000-08:00

This past Friday my husband and I went to San Francisco to get the final two documents that I don't have completed (I-171 and homestudy) authenticated at the Chinese consulate. I have everything else completed already. For some crazy reason (could it be because silly 'ole me read that on their website?), I thought they could get them to me that day. However, they said they couldn't get them to me until Monday at the earliest, so I just opted for Wednesday pickup. What's the difference? I have to make a two hour drive, and I can't go today. It did not make me too happy because I still am not sure what I am going to do to get there on Wednesday with two kids by myself. It's just that there are lines, and managing Ian and Isabel (mostly Ian) and maintaining my position in line is next to impossible. That is why I had my husband with me before. However, he cannot take another day off from work to do this again. Oh, I am so glad this paperwork is almost over. Although, I am not going to be celebrating and popping open the champagne until everything is officially approved.

The good thing that did come of it is that I got to meet Lisa of The Smith Family's Adventure. She and her husband, Scott, were incredibly nice, we loved meeting them and are incredibly jealous of the location where they live, too! Their kids, Gracie and Cameron, are very cute, and my son, Ian, stayed busy with their toys the whole time. Cameron is quite a talker and gave me a full toy tour upon arrival! Gracie took to my husband right away, jumped on his lap, and had him read her stories. It was funny. My husband thought it was interesting because he said he learned a lot about their adoption trip, too. Also, because he never listens to me (OK, selectively listens), I think he picked up a lot about adoption that I already knew.

Overall, I just wanted to say that I am very blessed that we made the decision to adopt from China and that I decided to start this blog. I really feel that bringing this child home from China is going to enrich our lives in so many ways that I never imagined, and this blog is going to bring so many friendships and contacts not only for my children, but for me. Which means a lot to me.

Do You Have Sex Offenders In Your Neighborhood?

2006-02-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

My sister forwarded this link on to me. It's a Watchdog Site that helps you locate (child) Sex Offenders in your area, but the method in which it does it is pretty neat. (or possibly scary)

I had a little trouble mapping some of my street/neighborhood since it is relatively new, but I got a decent overview of my area.

Here is the original text of the email I got:

Click on the link, enter your address... it will show a "house", that's yours... all the little colored boxes are Sex Offenders...click on them and you get a name & picture of the person along with his crime...pretty amazing and scary...Pass this on to your friends and family.

http://www12.familywatchdog.us/

Do You Know Someone With This Problem?

2006-02-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

HELP ME!

I am posting these photos, and I will explain why because vanity and photographic genius is not
(obviously) the reason.

The reason these pictures were even taken in the first place is that I must have had a boring afternoon with Isabel and was playing with my new digital camera, the Canon Powershot that I got for Christmas. (which is amazingly tiny and cute) I was goofing around taking pictures in the mirror playing around with different settings which is why some of these are blurred. (OK, and I am not any type of great photographer in the first place) I am sure she was wanting to be carried around, and she loves her Baby Bjorn Active Carrier (Another gear recommendation that I HIGHLY recommend and could not live without...not the regular Baby Bjorn. I have both, and they don't compare in my opinion. And it would be great for China, too. I will be taking mine for sure.)

So, yes, I am in the bathroom shooting pictures (hey, what's unusual about that?), and OK, I look like crap. But, you know what? I look like that everyday! Such is the life as a stay at home mom.

But the real point of my post is this. I am just perusing the pictures yesterday laughing at what we are wearing. Really, I am not going to dress any fancier anyway because I will get garbage (meaning baby food, snot, dinner and whatever else the kids decide to wipe all over me by means of their faces and hands) all over me. However, Isabel has the nice crisp ivory shirt and flowered flared cords all nicely coordinated. Another great outfit from www.babystyle.com, one of my favorite places to shop for the kids. And I'm laughing, because the other morning, I'm scrounging to try to piece together a clean pair of sweats and shirt for myself, and to the door that afternoon comes another package from babystyle containing clothes for my daughter. Before I had children, I loved to buy clothes for myself to wear to work, but I guess now...it's almost...what's the point? Or rather, I don't because there's no where to wear them and I can't keep them clean.

Maybe it's a sad, sad sickness. I have to live vicariously through them or something. Someone help me. Is there a 12 step program for this?

You Ready Mommies and Daddies?

2006-01-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

A MESSAGE FROM ISABEL

I know, I look cute, don't I? So will your precious angel from China. Just be ready, and rest up.

We can bring you the most joy you have ever experienced in you life and try your patience like you have never known. We can give the sloppiest, sweetest kisses in the world and poop the most vile substances known to man. We can giggle with glee or wail like banshees.

So, go enjoy yourself. Do something. Make the most of your wait for your child. Or I'll throw a bowl of sweet potatoes at you. And believe me, you'll have plenty of that AFTER she gets here.

Bargain Alert and Gear Recommendation for China Parents to Be!

2006-01-29T11:15:00.000-08:00

I have been looking for a new stroller for us, as the stroller that we use to get around in airports, malls, and just places, in general, has a broken wheel and isn't working too well. We love the brand, though, (Maclaren) and have had two of them. (I have a BOB Revolution that I keep at home for just walking/jogging. Those are great, too, but they are just recreational strollers as they are big.)

Maclaren's collapse incredibly easy, are fairly light, and make traveling with them a breeze. Believe me, this is important when you are trying to do this one handed by yourself in the jetway on an airplane by yourself with a toddler in tow in the other hand. (or a variety of other situations: parking lots, etc) We had a Combi before that, and maybe it was the one we had but it was really difficult to collapse. I hated it.

Anyway, when searching the other day, I happened to stumble across a deal at Babyage.com for a Maclaren 2005 Techno XT Stroller for 159.00. This is a deal people. Really. I had Triumphs before, and I paid the same price for them, and they are a lot further down the "food chain", so to speak. This was a $299.00 stroller in 2005. You can't get a better stroller for a better price. I snapped it up, and you should, too. It's a great stroller to take to China, and it's just a great stroller to have, in general. This is a great time to buy gear as 2006 models are coming out, but look at the other sites I have listed. They still have the stroller in the $200 price range.

Look at:

Tiny Ride
Amazon
Babycenter (They still are selling the 2004 model, not the 2005 model!)

Anyway, just a heads up. I sound like an advertisement, don't I?

2006-01-26T14:56:00.000-08:00

The Family Picture

So, my mother insists we take one of these every year. (and at the Picture People, no less) And almost every Christmas, the family gets larger. Do you know how hard it is to get this many kids to stand still, not cry, and to look at the camera? Very, very difficult. And then we tried to move on to just kids...that was even harder.

Anyway, I think I'm submitting this as one of my 8 "Family Life" photos, as it is My Entire Family...and as much work as it was taking it, it's worth a submittal. Tell my siblings to stop procreating, for God's sakes.

That's me, on the right, by the way. My husband is behind me in the white shirt. (Yes, he is much older) I am the trophy wife. My parents are to the left of me and have our kids on their laps. My brother and his wife are in the middle back. Their three kids (two girls and a boy) are in the middle/right front. My sister and her husband are to the left. Their four girls are to the left/left front.

Let's Get This Party Started (Or Shall I Start The Long Sit On My Butt?)

2006-01-26T14:40:00.000-08:00

What I love about Sacramento, California:

Not too terribly much.

Except the proximity of San Francisco and Lake Tahoe. And that Sacramento does lie within the state of California, which I love. Perhaps the size and locale of Sacramento which makes it a decent city for raising children: perhaps my children stand (only ever so slightly) more of a chance of escaping the peer pressure of trying drugs earlier or getting caught at a more vulnerable moment...or not jumping in the car for a joyride to Tijuana and crossing the border for the evening.

But at the moment, I like Sacramento because at the beginning of January the Sacramento CIS got my homestudy and on January 18th, I was fingerprinted. Yesterday, January 25th, I got my I-171! Pretty efficient government office, eh?

So, after I buzz over over to San Francisco next week to take that and the Homestudy to the Consulate, I am finished! I will be able to send all my things to CCAI. Hurrah!

Then I can sit and bitch and moan with all you people. Can't wait.

Adoption Conversation with a 3 Year Old

2006-01-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

My son's 3rd birthday was on January 4th, but this past Saturday we celebrated it with a party with a few friends from his preschool. In the aftermath of that party, he was playing delightfully with his 7 month old sister, and I decided to broach the subject of the adoption with him. The conversation went a bit like this.

Me: Mommy and Daddy are going to have another baby.

Ian: Another Baby?

Me: We are going to adopt a baby.

Ian: [clueless] baby?

Me: [sounding excited] You are going to have two sisters!

Ian: [still confused] Two sisters? Isabel? [his voice fading off...]

Me: Yes. Isabel and another new sister!

Ian: [Thinking, agreeing, understanding (and as if they are custom ordered)] I want a black one!

Don't You Wish You Were Somewhere Else?

2006-01-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's a bit dreary here.

Don't you wish you were on the Spanish Steps in Rome?

Or in St. Marc's Square in Venice?

Perhaps overlooking Florence from a rooftop hotel?

I sure do. We had a great vacation. The weather was spectacular for January. It was sunny the whole stay. The Italians were incredibly nice, the food was outstanding, and the hotels we stayed at were excellent. (Check out www.luxurylink.com, one of my favorite websites for great hotel packages...we frequently use it when it is just us traveling)

I loved Florence. It was a great city to walk around. You didn't need to take transportation anywhere if you didn't want to. We spent seven days there, and did several day trips from there including a trip to Rome and a trip to Siena. We went to Venice for three days. Venice was nice, but it was off season, and you could tell it was very geared only to tourism. It was worth seeing once, but if I went back, I would definitely spend more time in central Italy....the people were friendlier and I just loved everything about it so much more.

Have You Been Following This?

2006-01-17T08:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you have read the books "A Million Little Pieces" and "My Friend Leonard" (the sequel) by James Frey, but I did. I couldn't put them down. "A Million Little Pieces" was Oprah's Book Club choice a few month's ago. It's a pretty riveting book about a man who overcomes drug addiction and his experience at rehab.

About a week ago, as you might have heard, it fell under some controversy with some (major)embellishments the writer felt free to take. I first heard this on a media report on TV, and thought, oh come on, leave the poor guy alone. I loved, loved, loved these books! However, when I got home from my trip, I looked online at the Smoking Gun report (it's six pages long!), and there's no question about it, he lied! Make sure you read it if you haven't.

After reading the report, I felt very betrayed. Maybe it's because I take this a little more personally than some, in that, I have a family member that is a recovering alcoholic, and as such, if a book is written as nonfiction, I expect it to be so. Secondly, after reading the Smoking Gun report, you really question the validity of the book in it's entirety.

I think people are saying leave him alone..so what, he embellished. He is still helping others. But, in my opinion..it was major. And seriously, I was a big fan.

Here's my reasoning. At it's basic level, a memoir..a recounting of one's addiction, is what helps others with his/her own addiction. Correct? I am sure most of you aren't familiar with it, but if you look at Alcoholic Anonymous's Big Book most of it is just people recounting their own HONEST tales of addiction.

Many are saying what matters is this book and Frey help people with addiction, and the embellishments don't matter. (Even Oprah has come out and said that!) But addiction at its core is DECEIT. Deceiving oneself, one's family, etc, and it involves among other things, getting honest with oneself...Even James Frey in his book talks about getting honest with his life, not doing certain things, not continuing certain things because they are "dishonest". The message I took from the books was that he evolved in almost an "AA" fashion without an AA approach. By that, I mean, by the end, of "My Friend Leonard", for example, you can almost see the possibility of an acceptance of God whereas at the beginning of "A Million Little Pieces" there was an absolute rejection.

However, now... I have little faith that any of that was true. And I have little faith that that "honest" life that he speaks of is true. I also have doubt that Lilly and Leonard existed(the main characters in the books), or existed in the manner portrayed. I feel betrayed that the feelings that he evoked in me were done under the guise of nonfiction. I have little faith now that he has been sober all this time. So, to those that think that this helps those who are addicted, I disagree. I think it perpetuates the dishonesty associated with addiction, and frankly, I'm disappointed.

Adoption Paperwork Update

2006-01-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

We have our Fingerprinting Appointment with the USCIS on January 18th. Holy Cow..this process seems to drag out forever. In part, because our homestudy agency screwed us (delayed us) unnecessarily. Anyhow, here we are now, and I think the Sacramento CIS is fairly quick, so I am hoping the rest of the process is pretty quick and we can be DTC soon. I have many of our documents authenticated already.

I still have to gather a bunch of dorky photographs of just us and our "family life". It's hard to find pictures of just Bryan and me, especially in the last several years. There is no one around to take pictures of us together, so pictures are either of just the kids or the kids and just one of us. You'd think I would have asked someone to take a picture of us on vacation in Italy, but I hate "playing" the tourist and asking strangers to do that, so again, just pictures of each other. Oh well, I'll see what I come up with.

The Whoopie Cushion

2006-01-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

I'm home. Long trip. I'm a bit exhausted by the jet lag still. I'm trying to keep caffeine pumped into my veins today. Italy was fantastic, and I'm sure I'll be writing about it in the week to come. I missed my kids terribly, though. We were gone for ten days, so that was difficult. More difficult than I expected.

I guess I missed my son especially. It's not that you don't love your children equally, but since he is three and can absorb the fact that we are missing, it makes it even more heart wrenching to hear him ask, "Mommy, Daddy coming home soon?" on the phone, and yet, not understand where we are.

When we were reunited with the kids upon our return from Europe to my parents house, Ian was thrilled to see us, which is an awesome feeling as a parent. That night as I put him to bed, I spent some time reading a book to him called "My Grandpa's Briefcase", which I got him for Christmas to read with my Dad. It's a cute briefcase shaped book with "interactive" type things in it like a shoelace to tie, cardboard glasses to take out and put on, etc. and describes the bond a grandpa shares with his grandchild. One page is a "humor" page and has a mini whoopie cushion on it. I was pretty tired since we had landed in Ohio the night before late from Italy and was jet lagged, and this really isn't a bedtime book. I really wasn't in any condition to prolong bedtime. Nevertheless, I knew Ian had never seen a whoopie cushion before, and I blew it up and pressed it. Oh my goodness...the laughs we had for ten minutes playing with that! Maybe it took a little while longer for us to settle into slumber, but we got a good chuckle out of it.

The next morning I was talking to my mom about it because she passed by our room that night when we were laughing hysterically. She was making a comment about how she knows someone who won't let her children use words like fart and poop (Don't ask me why? She feels it's inappropriate), and there probably wouldn't be whoopie cushions in that person's house. I found that strange. Don't get me wrong, there's a time and a place for that language if it gets out of hand. (Well, I guess, I don't understand how that person toilet trained her kids without using poopie or poop and to me asking my son if has to poop doesn't seem inappropriate...but I digress...) With my role as mother, too, Ian knows when he has pushed his limit.

But children are children. I think we need to let children be children and be goofy and laugh effortlessly. And having children...being with Ian the other night and laughing at silly sounds...reminded me of the past, present and future. It reminded me of my own childhood which I often forget, it reminded me to let go of my current worries and just embrace the moment and it reminded me to find other opportunities that require a very simple moment to interact with my child that could produce a lasting memory.

It often lies in the simple things.

Taking a Break...

2005-12-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

We're taking a much needed vacation to Italy without kids, seeing my family on the way in Ohio first. I need the stress relief. There has been a lot of it around here lately. Come back and visit my blog when I get back...January 15th!

Hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

2005-12-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to All!

Falling In Love Is A Process

2005-12-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

The other night I was holding my daughter, Isabel, and my son, Ian, was sitting alongside me. I was drinking a bottle of water. Of course, Ian always insists that I share my water with him, and so, we have this ritual in which we pass the bottle back and forth. This time, however, six month old, Isabel, seemed to show an interest in what we were doing. So, for the first time, we included her in the ritual. Her arms were flapping in excitement and little baby coos and screams were heard when she was trying to indicate it was her turn for a drink of water. Oh how funny it was to have another member of the family assimilate to our habits, and yet assert her own little personality! It was one of those little snapshot moments I won't forget...passing around a water bottle at 9PM.

Then, I started thinking again about how you really fall in love with your children. I don't care if they are biological or adopted, I think it really is a process and it really does not happen overnight. I have heard all kinds of things on boards....from worries that they won't bond to an adopted child like a biological child to no worries that they will bond to a child and that it will happen instantaneously. I think what bonds you to a child is experience. It is not the biological tie. I also think you need to be somewhat prepared to not instantly bond with your child as it is a process.

We fall in love with our children through shared experiences. We fall in love with them through caring for them through all their sleepless nights and sick days and the times that they fell down and got "owies". We fall in love with them for teaching us about ourselves and selflessness. We fall in love with them for their goofy laughter and spontaneousness and their ability to bring our young selves out. We fall in love with them for their compassion and innocence. We fall in love with them for their openness...for their chance to be little, to be young, to love life to the fullest.

....So as I watched my youngest drink from the water bottle...something so minor...I was reminded how much she had become a part of my family, how much I had nutured her everyday.....How the three of us were sitting there giggling about something as silly as drinking water from a bottle. And that made me pretty happy.

And I realized I had fallen deeply, madly, in love once again.

An Important Message from Isabel

2005-12-22T10:06:00.000-08:00

I can not believe all the smut that is out there...clean your blogs up, for goodness sakes! What is all this talk about Penis cookies? Any decent mother would not refer to parts of the anatomy in actual terms. They would be Wee Wee cookies or Pee Pee cookies.

Thank you and Have a Very Merry Christmas.

Thank God for the Digital Camera!

2005-12-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

We went to Ian's Christmas performance on Friday. It was just a couple songs sang by two year olds..but very cute. A good chance to get some pictures, of the performance and the family, though. However, my family will not cooperate! This is when I am very grateful for the digital camera. We took at least 20 pictures, and I don't think one turned out where all of us were looking at the camera together. Thank goodness, we don't pay to develop anymore!

This is a wonderful shot.

Another great one. We have a whole file full of them. You should see the one up my nostrils. I decided not to post it.

Ah, Hawaii, not from preschool, sorry, reminiscing in another photo file...another reason I like digital cameras is I don't lose pictures. Given my lack of organizational skills, everything stays neatly on my computer, and I can click back and look at last year's Hawaii trip (without kids) and wonder if I'll ever be that rested again...anyway..

And there is my son...I'm sure I'm saying, "Smile Ian..Smile Ian..Smile Ian.."
I really do think it takes about five or ten pictures to get one good one, don't you?

The Second Child

2005-12-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

So, better late then never, we FINALLY, got the tree decorated this past weekend. Not ones to mess with tradition, we always get a live tree just like both of us did when we were young. We bought the Christmas tree the weekend before and put it up...and so it sat for a week, in its naked, undecorated state screaming, "Get Moving, People! Put Some Decorations on Me!"

But given a flat tire one evening, Ian's preschool Christmas performance another, and just general laziness, the evenings rolled by until the next weekend came along and the tree was still in the same condition. Finally, we got moving. As we decorated the tree on Saturday evening, I began to hang the ornaments and started noticing a peculiar pattern...and then began to think, "Oh, I am a bad mother this year!"

See, I am the THIRD and LAST child born in my family. As such, growing up, when you reach a certain age and start to look through pictures and shuffle through things, you realize that there aren't quite as many..or hardly any...pictures or WHATEVER..you name it..as the first child. I'd always say to my mom, "Mom, why did you take so many pictures of Diana (my sister, the first born) and not of me?" Of course, they try to explain about being the first born, but when you are little, you don't understand that concept..until now. Until now. Uh huh.

So, while I am hanging ornaments, I notice I have a 2002 family ornament in which it says this is our first home together and "Ian will be joining us next year". I have a star ornament which has Ian's first ultrasound picture in it. I have five...count them..five 2003 baby's first Christmas ornaments, 2 of which have pictures in them.

And then, I have nothing. NOTHING for Isabel. CRAP.

I. MUST. SCRAMBLE. I went to Target yesterday. Love Target. But got to say Target sucks for Christmas ornaments. Not good when time is limited, and I don't want to go to the mall. I called my mom, and my mom has one for me. Good. Well, at least I have one to put away. I just hope I get another one to put a picture in.

Sorry honey, you won't have five ornaments. You are going to be a second child. Guess first children really do get most everything. I love you just the same.

After the adoption goes through, I hate to think about number three. She is going to wind up just like me. Poor girl. She'll be lucky to get one.

What I Am Learning About The Adoption Community

2005-12-19T15:02:00.000-08:00

Take a Step Back and Look At Yourself. Really Look At Yourself. Your Daughter Will Be Judged. Are you Judgmental?

I was just over on an adoption board reading a thread which had gotten a bit long. Apparently, on that board, the blog, American Family, is obviously not well liked and the writer not very well respected. I'm not going to get into the initial point of the post, but ultimately, it got sidetracked, and all people did is give their personal opinions of the writer of the blog, which were very negative. Very, very negative.

Now, first, to address the initial issue. I read this blog from time to time. Yes, it is pretty much on the edge. Yes, there are definitely things that I do differently as a parent than she does or that I sometimes bring into question. We all parent in our own way. However, she sometimes has great insight in some of her more serious posts on culture. The point is, it is a longstanding blog. It is supposed to be funny and silly and even offensive at times. Choose not to read it if that bothers you. It actually took me several times to get into it because it was kind of strangeish to me. And I am not defending this blog in particular...I'm defending all blogs that are edgy or provide the author's a way to vent or go above and beyond just a journaling of what your child did that day.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to death, and I like writing about them. I want to write about my adoption, too, and my happy moments. However, we're adults, and if we have unhappy moments and want to share a curse word among each other, why can't we? It bothers me so that some seemingly "caring" people will trash a person to shreds if the blog doesn't meet "adoption" standards. Many people were saying an adoption blog is not a place for "curse" words. What does that mean? What is an adoption blog, per se? Is mine an adoption blog? Or is mine more of a general blog with an adoption component? Make mine the latter please.

Because I do want freedom of expression, for goodness sakes. There are a (very large..)contingent of people who really do believe that an "adoption blog" is all lollipops and puppies and sunshine....

Are these the same people who were writing about the realities of parenthood and the frustration you face as parents...and please don't shake your baby...but then we can't blog about the frustrations we face as parents because that wouldn't be prudent on an adoption blog?

We just have to internalize everything?

Good gosh...one of the reasons I think these blogs are great for the people who use them especially well is that feelings are emoted, others identify, we learn that we aren't alone. If we have to vent in curse form, so be it. It's much better on here than in front of our children. If we have to use sarcasm. So be it. It's much better to release it here..and let it go then take it out on our spouse. If we have a particular funny moment to share, share it..so we don't have to laugh alone.

Take a Step Back Sometime and Ask Yourself If You Are Being Too Judgmental Of Others?

Even If It Appears You Are Somehow "Right".

I Love My New Highchair (Or I Must Have Very Little Stimulation In My Life At The Moment)

2005-12-18T17:26:00.000-08:00

I absolutely love my new highchair that I bought for Isabel. I had it scoped out for awhile because I hated everything traditional (highchair) that I used with my son. The Peg Perego stunk big time! Hard to clean, bulky, he never wanted to be in it, never fit in with the room, always had to roll it out of the room when it wasn't in use...in other words..ick! (and expensive for the amount of time you use it!)

It's called the Svan Highchair. First, you can pick out a color that matches your decor. So, it actually matches your house. Second, you pick a cushion that is washable so you don't have to spend hours scouring a "non-washable" baby highchair cushion back. And see how she is pushed up to the table? The tray of the highchair hangs on the back of the highchair when not in use so she can "play at the table. See how she is pushed under the table? Oh my...I've never gotten so excited about a baby product. Someday..you will get excited about these things too.

But then the tray is snapped on for feeding times. But then the beauty of this product is this is a grow as you go product. It is also a toddler chair. The highchair portion comes off and it becomes a secure toddler chair. And because I became interested in this chair after I bought the Stokke Kinderzeat below, (for Ian when he was 18 months) I imagine it is made with the same secure innovative European type design.

Anyway, I don't plug baby products too often. This is the Stokke Kinderzeat above, by the way. (for 18 months and above) But, I know a lot of you are adopting and thinking about things to buy. You might look at the price of these and think Holy Cow, lady! But, I swear...these chairs are worth their weight in gold. I had no luck with highchairs, and they were a pain to clean. Plus, you don't use them for very long. The thing I like about this new highchair is not only does it look great, but it will last for a long time and will transition into a toddler chair. I am also hopeful that if it transitions into something like the Kinderzeat...it will be excellent because Ian sits in the Kinderzeat every night at dinner with us. They are incredibly sturdy, too, and do not tip easily at all. Meaning, he can climb into his chair by himself unasisted, and they can be adjusted as they grow. Great toddler chairs.

Do You Sometimes Feel Like This?

2005-12-17T15:59:00.000-08:00

All I want to do is show you my cute little baby, Isabel, without me and my closed eyes in the picture, but half the time I can't figure out the lame ass technical details of things. Story of my life.

So, instead you see the squiggly lines of frustration and a beheading of sorts. Perhaps I need therapy.

Typepad

2005-12-16T23:30:00.000-08:00

So, am I the only one wondering why you have to pay for typepad when they can't fix a technical glitch within a day? For some reason, tonight of all nights I can't sleep, and half of the blogs I read are on typepad, which is still down. I think that stinks if you pay for that service. You should be pissed if you're a subscriber. I'll stick with the free service for now, thanks.

My Kid is Smarter Than Yours

2005-12-16T14:47:00.000-08:00

What do your preschools teach? Look At My Son Reading The Wall Street Journal.

Makes me proud. Just 3 in January and already into the stock market.

Flowers Suck.

2005-12-15T09:30:00.000-08:00

At my husband's Christmas party (the "real" one, not the Arkansas one) Friday night, he got a gift redeemable at this website "valued" at $100 for 2 dozen long stem roses, a box of organic European chocolates, and a recycled green glass vase. All the women oohhed and aahhed. And while it sounded it nice...I guess at this point, I know better...God, I'm jaded, but flowers are so overpriced and never as good as they sound. (Maybe I'm not a romantic, but flowers are great when you are dating...but once you are married, you start thinking, you can get these at Safeway for $10...why would you pay so much for them elsewhere? And especially on Mother's Day/Etc. when my husband spends a fortune on flowers...let's go spend the money on something useful for God's sake...not $150 on flowers! But I digress.)

So, I take the certificate, and log onto the website to find the color of roses I want and pick these. Kind of a winterish white. OK.

So, yesterday, they arrive at my house. So, first, thing: My roses look like this. And the recycled green glass vase..where is that? Looks like a standard vase to me.

And when you think box of chocolates, do you think this? (well, I still broke into them regardless) But, come on...that's not a box..that's a frickin' sample!

What a complete rip off. Oh, am I filled with the joy of Christmas.

I'm A Bad, Bad Girl

2005-12-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

I received my very first mean comment to a message I posted! I should have kept it to memorialize it. It's almost a blog rite of passage, I reckon, especially if you want to write anything sarcastically, satirically or feel like making fun of something. In essence, "anonymous", defending Arkansas, mind you, said, "there are good and bad people everywhere and good Californians and bad Californians, and essentially, I am a BAD CALIFORNIAN." OH, I am a Bad, Bad Girl.

Not to belabor the subject, but I did not grow up a California girl. I grew up in a very small town in rural Ohio. I am a small town girl through and through. First, I think if people lack a sense of humor then they may want to quite possibly skip my blog and many others and go back to reading the APC mindless drivel. Second, I think if we all didn't approach things with a bit of a sense of humor and sarcasm then life would be very depressing, wouldn't it?

Blogging is so much more than that particular subject on that day...sure...it is about the subject I pick, that one was about Arkansas, and how I would never want to live there, and how small towns stink, but as I continue to write about whatever happened I let my own stuff go inside my head.....

it's about how I grew up in a small town and never would raise my children there because the people are very fake and phony even though they pretend to be very friendly on the outside, how culturally they are very oblivious and how God forbid, if a black man enters your neighborhood... your neighbors think oh no..what the hell is HE doing here in our area? And I'm glad I got blessed with parents that didn't tolerate that from our neighbors. I never want any of my children to disrespect anyone and they wouldn't learn that in a small town. It was about how I'm glad I got out of there and traveled, and learned a language and learned about the world....had kids...am where I am right now...am glad I have a place to write really stupid sarcastic things because the kids drive me up the wall sometimes and you know what, on top of that, this adoption paperwork is driving me mad, too. The homestudy agency has not come through for me on the homestudy, and nobody told me that dealing with a homestudy agency was going to be such a bitch. When I was researching, all I thought was important was the agency. So, now I have a great adoption agency, and I'm held up by a shitty homestudy agency. I was supposed to be DTC by Christmas...or at least that was my timeframe, and that isn't going to be the case by a long shot. So, when you think my blog is about one thing...it's really a gigantic vent about a lot of BS in my life that you really don't want to hear because it would be really dull...so in just manifests itself in its own quirky way.

So, come on, be gentle. Or at least leave your name anonymous, so I can make fun of you more.

Bah Humbug...

2005-12-11T14:08:00.000-08:00

Ah, I really am not a scrooge...but sometimes I feel like it. I spent the whole weekend decorating, and I can't say that I enjoyed it. I like the END product, but I dislike doing it. Maybe it's because it is so late in December because we were traveling and I felt like we were having to play catch up, but it's a lot of work trying to get things together for Christmas...and everything is still a mess! There are boxes everywhere. We still have to go get a tree today. So, there's still the task of getting that up with the lights, ornaments, etc. I still have to get a bunch of things packed up and sent off to my parents house to arrive in time for Christmas. All of this while trying to care for the kids, too...

Gosh, and I love this month..I just said that in my previous post...and I used to laugh at people who sounded like me and made it sound stressful, but I think it truly does get harder and harder each year as you have kids and more commitments! (And you feel like you have to decorate your house because you're older and your neighbors are doing it...and so you have to keep up..and be grown up..after all, your parents did all of this stuff for YOU) I'm not even baking cookies which I won't get to, I'm sure.

I told my husband I feel like a failure as a mother because I feel I am not providing my kids all those warm "Christmas experiences" that I remember in some ways as defining Christmas for me as a child. I'm trying, mind you, I'm trying...but I guess I have to find what works for me without stressing me to the core. I am sure I am doing my best, but I guess when it comes right down to it, I'm not the Model Mother out of Better Homes and Gardens with the Perfectly Decorated Holiday Home in Pristine Condition and the Fabulously Dressed Kids eating the Wonderfully Created Christmas Cookies. Sometimes, I feel like that's what being a Stay at Home Mom at holidays should be about. Silly, and laughable, because if you knew me, I could never live up to that standard. Or even have the patience...

My mother told me last week when I was home how impressed she was with both me and my sister in how we raise our children. I think given our personalities in other areas, she has been amazed that we deal with them with such patience. She said she was never such a patient parent. I don't remember my mom being impatient, but perhaps she was more than I realize? Maybe that was the key..maybe piling on all the stressful things that I described above made her a bit so? Perhaps I just resist a little of that so that I have a little less stressful life and can be a little more patient with my kids.

Whatever the case..let's all try to do whatever it takes to keep the stress level down this month.

I Believed! I Really Believed!

2005-12-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

santa, originally uploaded by jenjram.

Sorry..I was looking for a innocent benign Santa picture online to go with my post and found this. However, once found I had to post it:)

Is There A Santa??

2005-12-08T09:45:00.000-08:00

This month is flying by already. I love December and the Christmas season...one month that I wish would last a bit longer. It seems there are so many obligations and commitments, Christmas parties and shopping..once I get the decorations up, they have to come right down again..or so it seems with the rush of everything. My husband's family comes at Christmas, then we travel to Ohio again to see my family again afterwards and this year, my husband and I are going to Italy (hurrah!) for a much needed vacation the first week of January without the kiddos and leaving them with my parents...but it is rush, rush, rush....

Nevertheless, I love this time of year. Especially with kids. Now that my son is almost three, it is becoming very special. He is grasping the concept of Christmas and Santa Claus in the very basic of terms, and it brings such joy to my heart. Do you remember as a child anticipating the arrival of Santa? Those magical moments in December that you will cherish forever? I remember waking up once in the middle of the night and sneaking downstairs to see all the presents under the tree, the cookies eaten, the milk gone....oh, the sheer awe!

But, many people on APC, and even on another board I read, are actually considering not sharing the fantasy of Santa Claus with their child. Now, I understand, if this coincides with religious beliefs, etc. However, for these people, this was not the case. It was merely they felt another "lie", or another "stretch of the truth" that they would be sharing with their daughter would somehow scar her.

Does Santa Claus not embody the pure emotion of giving and love of the season? Why can't we let our children revel in their pure innocence for the few short years that we have it? Why must we have "little adults" right away?

I remember someone writing, "Well, just think about how angry you must have been when you felt that you were lied to for all those years about Santa Claus." And I thought back to the moment when I found out. I was in 2nd grade and on a bus ride home from school. My friend Cindy told me the "truth" because of course, if her magic was gone, she must take mine away, too. And, I was upset. However, I was upset at Cindy for telling me. I was upset that my Santa as I knew him was gone. I was never upset at my parents.

And so you learn to recreate Santa Claus and magic by giving to those you love and to those less fortunate from your lessons learned in youth. You also know someday, hopefully, God willing, you will see your own children believe in Santa and his magic, learn some things, and pass that along to your grandchildren.

Your Christmas Shopping Worries Resolved!

2005-12-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

Well, being as I have been on nine flights and crossed the country and back in the last week, I have studied the back of an airplane seat very well. My husband and I went to visit my parents, and then I got to go on a business junket with my spouse. (more on that to come)

As you may know, one of the wonderful pieces of material that you can find in any major airline seatback, is the SkyMall catalog. It is full of the most useless yet intriguing specimens and gadgets that anyone would want in his/her home. Additionally, it one of the only things to read if, you are like me, never bring anything on board to keep yourself occupied other than your twiddling thumbs.

But, this month, I paid special attention, as I devised a special list complete with Christmas ideas for the whole family. Now, you have everyone taken care of courtesy of SkyMall and yours truly, and you don't have to leave your home and fight the Christmas traffic. Take a look see, and you'll be thanking me Christmas morn.

For Dad, we have the lawn ornament that will grace the yard with Asian style.

For Mom, she always has a tissue in hand for those teary eyed moments for movies and grandbabies.

For Junior, heaven forbid we should cook hot dogs the traditional way.

For The Spinster in the family (or Mary Mia) to take the babies for a walk

For the Oblivious Husband, Find a Handheld Version of one of these. They're cheaper, he'll think it's for him and you can use it when he's gone.

Finally, for the anal retentive geek traveler in your family, try this, and since he's going to look like a big loser anyway, you might as well get this, too.

Did I mention that I am really mad at my homestudy agency right now and am trying to find a way to deal with my anger other than punch a hole in my wall? They are slowing me down....big time...HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO VENT.

Something to Ponder

2005-12-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hopefully I'll have time to get back to a regular posting routine later today or tomorrow. I've been jetsetting all over the country. Just got back last night. Ahhh...I love California. In the meantime:

Flotsam or Jetsam? Which type of floating rubbish would you prefer to be and why?

We All Have Our Issues, We All Have Our Pain

2005-11-28T11:25:00.000-08:00

I am visiting my parents in Ohio this week. I am the youngest of three children...the baby of the family. In fact, there is a significant distance between me and my brother and sister, seven and nine years, respectively. They are not here this week, but will be next month for Christmas. Familiar issues always arise, even when I think at almost 33, returning home should not be a big deal. And on this particular trip, I'm struggling to deal with my usual feelings of being treated like a "child" and my parents reaction to my decision to adopt a child from China.

In reading the blogs, everyone who is adopting from China is or probably faced her own challenges with adoption. I read the infertility blogs. Some woman are still struggling with infertility at a level that I feel to the core is very sad. At the same time, in my opinion, a few have not dealt with their grief appropriately to be in the middle of a process of adopting because that haven't worked on themselves yet. Some of them project their feelings (I think) of how the family might feel about having an Asian baby in the family when that is really how they feel. (For examply, My grandma is so proud of my brother's blond baby and what is she going to think of some Chinese girl?) Regardless, I cannot be the judge of that person, and most people will say ah, she is infertile. She needs a baby ASAP.

Others have endured years of infertility treatments and yet, have not conceived a baby, have accepted their infertility, (and I feel the heartbreak with that), and proceed with an adoption, only to have to endure the waiting with the Chinese government. Oh, and that hurts. That baby..that baby you have wanted for so long...

But me. I am fertile. Why does someone like me want to adopt? I guess my husband and I just started to discuss it at the beginning of the year. We always had international interests. We saw how many abandoned babies there were in China. We want all of our children to have a global perspective on the world. Our felt our next child was in China. It is what it is.

But being the youngest in the family of three, well, your first pregnancy isn't big news since there have been several ahead of you; but you would think at least the adoption process would have sparked some interest. However, although some questions have been asked, my parents don't really seem to be excited. I don't know what I'm looking for. They are not excitable folks. I'm just am sad, really.

They are good people, really good people who have come out and been there for me and my children when they were born. I know they will come out and watch the kids when we go to China. I know they love me and their grandchildren.

For some reason though, last night, my mom and I were talking about my brother and sister-in-law. They just bought a new labradoodle (The new cross breed between a Labrador and Poodle) for $1700. I said I can't believe they spent that much on a damn dog. We were basically having a discussion about discretionary spending, and I made a crack saying, "oh well, it's kind of like spending thousands of dollars for an adoption"...as if choosing adoption expenses and choosing a dog were in the same category. I don't think that at all, but I wanted to see what she would say.

And she agreed with me! And then I said, what are you talking about? This is a baby..my child?? And then she backtracked a little..so I guess I may be having a little talk about all this tonight because I started thinking about all this last night in bed. And I don't know how my parents feel about this.

And my mom keeps asking about the timeframe, and I tell her about the paperwork and I can't predict things. She keeps reminding me about the cruise she's taking when she retires in October. That's great, and I'm happy for her. I don't want to ruin her retirement, and if something happens, we'll work it out differently with my husband's family. But it seems like it's all about the cruise and when I submit the paperwork, and less about the child and me. If I was pregnant I couldn't control it any better.

Or how will anyone feel about it once they see that I have children that are biological and that I adopted, too? I was talking to a good friend of mine on the phone about two weeks ago, and even he said to me something to the effect that he would love his biological kids more than his adopted child if he was in a similar sitution. And I almost cried. What? This will be MY child! I don't even know this child yet, and I just hurt inside now thinking that someone might hurt her someday telling her that her mommy doesn't love her as much as her other brother and sister.

I don't want anyone to think I have discretionary income (we don't) and want to adopt because we want a "pet project" or it's "charity" or "we're doing a good thing". I just want my daughter.
She just happens to be in China this time and not in my womb.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2005-11-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

bushturkey, originally uploaded by jenjram.

Be assured that Tom Turkey gave Bush the once over once he got back from China to make sure that he didn't screw things up for us and our China babies. Have a relaxing day with your loved ones.

Are You A Pitbull or Chipper?

2005-11-23T13:39:00.000-08:00

I go to this coffee shop often called La Bou near my son's preschool. The staff that works there are mean as pitbulls. I prefer the lattes of this coffee shop, plus it is the only one in that vicinity that has a drive thru which (I know what you're thinking...you are a lazy ass, which in some ways is true..) if you have an infant who is sleeping, you don't want to disturb her and possibly wake her up just to get coffee.

It is a constant, their bitter nature,and I typically go there at 9AM or so. You'd think at 9:00, the women (as they are all women working the window) would have been working long enough to have "woken up" and have some endorphins going from running around all morning. But no.

And they yell at each other. Don't they think I can hear them? The one making the latte the other day was supposed to stir in an equal for me and was shouting at someone to give her an equal. I guess that person didn't hear her. And three times she screamed at the top of her lungs, "I NEED AN EQUAL!" You'd think maybe she could have gotten it herself?

And there are no smiles when you come to the window...no basic customer service. Not any of that basic just make me feel like I am welcome here kind of stuff. I was thinking what it would feel like to be a customer at 6:30 in the morning when you are feeling like crap going to your job, and these cranky wenches are throwing your coffee at you. Kind of a good start for the work day, don't you agree? I was laughing because in the window of the drive thru there was a poster (to apply for work) that said La Bou Has A Job For You. Yeah, I guess if you're a masochist.

Conversely, the Starbucks near my house, with convenient drive thru, has not friendly, but chipper, staff. I hate chipper. Chipper is tolerable when I'm in a good mood, but when I'm in a not so good, chipper makes me kind of non-chipper like. Let me explain.

Friendly is maintaining professional distance and doing your job, making my latte to my satisfaction, and getting me checked out expeditiously. Chipper is being a little too interested in my order (like you really give a crap about my order), making stupid conversation with me or trying to talk about how great the new "muffin of the month" is, or trying out new ways to get people's orders down. (For example, instead of writing people's names on cups, they asked on this particular day at this store what your favorite color was and your pets name..oh so flippin' hilarious!!) Chipper is phony. Friendly is sincere. Chipper drives me nuts. I think they insert Chipper chips into the necks of these Starbucks employees because they all act the same. I don't think people are actually that way. Can you be that damn goofy happy all the time? Or maybe it's a nice state to be in. Maybe I need a Chipper chip.

Why can't I find a coffee shop with just a nice in between? Just a smile and a thank you very much? That's all I want. Nothing too difficult in that, eh?

The Friendship Feast

2005-11-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

We went to a "Friendship Feast" at Ian's Preschool today. That means I took a shower at 8AM, let my hair dry and brushed it out at 11AM, and slapped on some foundation,powder and lipstick (2 minute makeup) and took off out the door. It's fun to see all the little kids eat turkey and wear feather headbands.

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! I'll probably write another bitter post or two, so just be sure to know that I am very thankful for everything that I have in my life. Please remember to think of something in your life that you are thankful for, too! I will be traveling on Saturday to visit my parents for a week, so although I will probably blog from there, it may be a bit more infrequent. Take care and have a good holiday!

Can We All Be Healthy Soon?

2005-11-22T13:31:00.000-08:00

I took Isabel to the doctor today. I said I was concerned about GERD (reflux) because making formula switches weren't helping, and my child seems to be in pain a lot and is vomiting quite a bit. She has lost some weight this month, too, now according to their scale. They don't usually do this for babies, but because of the weight loss, she is going on Prevacid. I guess we dissolve that pill in some water and administer it. Who knew babies could take Prevacid too?

I grew up in a family where my mom was a nurse in a pediatrician's office. She always poo poo'ed people who worried too much about little things, and I always knew things to watch for in children's health. (and my own health) I don't know if being "my type" is good or bad, but I try not to panic with my children's health. I know what I need to do when there are basic issues. Most of the time, I can just call my mom and ask her a question if I really need advice. I do my own research. By the time I go to the doctor, I usually have tried everything that would have been recommended to resolve the issue on my own or with over the counter solutions.

Last month, I made a mistake because Isabel had been having problems with vomiting that were going beyond the realm of formula problems, but the doctor, I think, just "threw me in" with the other types of moms that "worry too much". The problem is when I do go to the doctor, it means I KNOW there is an issue and it needs to be addressed. I should have pushed it then, but you never know with babies. So, I let it go, but things haven't gotten better so we went in and saw the doctor who had openings today at the practice.

And I still don't know if GERD is the problem. It's what I asked for her to be checked out for and the doctor agreed with me. All I know is something hurts her a lot a good portion of the day and night, and that hurts me to not to be able to figure it out for her. It's just that she is five months old today, and only a little over 12 lbs. My little boy at this age was such a chunk. Not that I should compare the two since he was in the 100th percentile for weight, but it just makes me sad to see her cry and struggle to eat because it hurts sometimes.

Anyway, I am so thankful for my children, and I hope some healthy thoughts come this way.