We All Have Our Issues, We All Have Our Pain

I am visiting my parents in Ohio this week. I am the youngest of three children...the baby of the family. In fact, there is a significant distance between me and my brother and sister, seven and nine years, respectively. They are not here this week, but will be next month for Christmas. Familiar issues always arise, even when I think at almost 33, returning home should not be a big deal. And on this particular trip, I'm struggling to deal with my usual feelings of being treated like a "child" and my parents reaction to my decision to adopt a child from China.

In reading the blogs, everyone who is adopting from China is or probably faced her own challenges with adoption. I read the infertility blogs. Some woman are still struggling with infertility at a level that I feel to the core is very sad. At the same time, in my opinion, a few have not dealt with their grief appropriately to be in the middle of a process of adopting because that haven't worked on themselves yet. Some of them project their feelings (I think) of how the family might feel about having an Asian baby in the family when that is really how they feel. (For examply, My grandma is so proud of my brother's blond baby and what is she going to think of some Chinese girl?) Regardless, I cannot be the judge of that person, and most people will say ah, she is infertile. She needs a baby ASAP.

Others have endured years of infertility treatments and yet, have not conceived a baby, have accepted their infertility, (and I feel the heartbreak with that), and proceed with an adoption, only to have to endure the waiting with the Chinese government. Oh, and that hurts. That baby..that baby you have wanted for so long...

But me. I am fertile. Why does someone like me want to adopt? I guess my husband and I just started to discuss it at the beginning of the year. We always had international interests. We saw how many abandoned babies there were in China. We want all of our children to have a global perspective on the world. Our felt our next child was in China. It is what it is.

But being the youngest in the family of three, well, your first pregnancy isn't big news since there have been several ahead of you; but you would think at least the adoption process would have sparked some interest. However, although some questions have been asked, my parents don't really seem to be excited. I don't know what I'm looking for. They are not excitable folks. I'm just am sad, really.

They are good people, really good people who have come out and been there for me and my children when they were born. I know they will come out and watch the kids when we go to China. I know they love me and their grandchildren.

For some reason though, last night, my mom and I were talking about my brother and sister-in-law. They just bought a new labradoodle (The new cross breed between a Labrador and Poodle) for $1700. I said I can't believe they spent that much on a damn dog. We were basically having a discussion about discretionary spending, and I made a crack saying, "oh well, it's kind of like spending thousands of dollars for an adoption"...as if choosing adoption expenses and choosing a dog were in the same category. I don't think that at all, but I wanted to see what she would say.

And she agreed with me! And then I said, what are you talking about? This is a baby..my child?? And then she backtracked a little..so I guess I may be having a little talk about all this tonight because I started thinking about all this last night in bed. And I don't know how my parents feel about this.

And my mom keeps asking about the timeframe, and I tell her about the paperwork and I can't predict things. She keeps reminding me about the cruise she's taking when she retires in October. That's great, and I'm happy for her. I don't want to ruin her retirement, and if something happens, we'll work it out differently with my husband's family. But it seems like it's all about the cruise and when I submit the paperwork, and less about the child and me. If I was pregnant I couldn't control it any better.

Or how will anyone feel about it once they see that I have children that are biological and that I adopted, too? I was talking to a good friend of mine on the phone about two weeks ago, and even he said to me something to the effect that he would love his biological kids more than his adopted child if he was in a similar sitution. And I almost cried. What? This will be MY child! I don't even know this child yet, and I just hurt inside now thinking that someone might hurt her someday telling her that her mommy doesn't love her as much as her other brother and sister.

I don't want anyone to think I have discretionary income (we don't) and want to adopt because we want a "pet project" or it's "charity" or "we're doing a good thing". I just want my daughter.
She just happens to be in China this time and not in my womb.