The other day, while touring the preschool that I think will become Ian's new abode, I mentioned to the owner that I was going to be adopting a third child.
"Why?" She asked. "Aren't those yours?"
Of course, I am not one to get bent out of shape about this, and yet, to an extent I am. I told this to my husband, and I had to do a little explaining about why this can be offensive. I need to do a little work with him. But I take it in stride, and see it as a chance to practice my adoption language.
"Yes," I said, "They are my biological children."
What gets me more than anything already is why people feel inclined to ask "why?" When I was expecting a baby through pregnancy nobody asked me why. Nobody questioned my intent. I have asked my husband, who is much more guarded about his personal life than I, who he has told, which is basically no one. I told him once he starts sharing it with people, especially strangers, he will get some of the questions that I am not sure how to answer.
Why do I have to answer it? It's how I want to form my family.
For the sake of this blog, though, I don't know if I ever really addressed the issue of why we are adopting.
It all started about a year ago....
I am a pretty spontaneous person. I was flipping through a Time magazine in my miserable state of six months of pregnancy when I saw an advertisement for an international adoption agency. I don't know what it was about that moment because it was for Russian adoptions, but it got me thinking about international adoption in general. I got online, started looking at different agencies, different countries, and initially started thinking about Guatemala. I speak pretty decent Spanish and could provide a very good background in culture to a child from Latin America since that was my major in college (undergrad). I studied abroad in Mexico for a couple years, did some research in Chile and Argentina, and overall, I have a lot of interest in the area.
On top of that, I found an agency that sounded pretty good, they worked with a pretty good lawyer (such is the way adoption is there), and maintained good contacts with the birth mother. I guess I also liked the fact that I might be able to write the birth mother afterwards. Although, who knows? She might not want any contact. It might be too sad. But, at least, the advantage of Guatemala, is you do know who the birth mother is.
Anyway, because of my, um, situation, being pregnant and all, I couldn't adopt from Guatemala right there and then! Because the thing is..with Guatemala...when you are ready, you are ready! (Well, I could have since unlike China, there are no restrictions...but I wasn't ready!) The advantages are tremendous in that: it's close, you (usually) get a three month old infant, you have the birth mother information, you get a referral and can go down and take the baby to your hotel and have it with you out and about for a visit for the week. Basically, you submit your dossier, and you have your referral within a week. You have to then wait a period of three months or so while the paperwork is processing within the country.
Like I said, sometimes I get swept up in spontaneous decisions, so I told my husband that we should just table this topic awhile. We did. That is hard for me. I get swept up in the idea of having two little babies, and I forget how much work ONE little baby creates. During this time (still pregnant with Isabel), I researched China a bit. I think my husband and I talked a bit about the political situation there. We were very floored by the sheer number of female abandonments. The more and more I read about the Chinese adoption program and the familes that adopted from China, the more and more I was drawn to it.
Isabel was born, and several months passed. I then spoke to my husband about the topic again. We agreed to proceed to apply to the Chinese program since it would take awhile to put together the dossier.
I initially wanted to adopt from Guatemala because I could offer my daughter my love of the Hispanic culture and familiarity of that which I knew. But with China, I was drawn to that which I didn't have any familiarity. And, now, standing where I am today, I know I made the right decision. It is my future daughter who will teach ME just as much about myself, as I will about HERSELF.
I have only just begun this journey, but I know it is a journey of self discovery. I know that this adoption will teach me and call into question so many details of my own life, from the way I view racism in society to the way I view my own upbringing compared to two years ago.
So.
Why am I adopting?
I still don't know.
Guess 'cause I picked up that Time magazine that day.
Will that make sense to anyone?
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6 comments:
I am so Feeling this post. I am nodding as I am reading..can you say resonating! We have a bio son and are adopting our 2nd son from Taiwan (strangely enough, we also started in Guatemala). I just feel like no answer to the Question of why is a good enough answer. It is just as you said, it is equivilant to someone asking why you are pregnant. It doesn't feel right to be asked such a thing. I'm usually thinking.."because that is where our son is, and aparently we have to adopt him to get him home".
Amanda
Great post! I am always amazed at the things perfect strangers will ask you. The more research I do on the internet, the more families I find who have both biological and adopted children. I personally can't wait until my adoption is finished and my daughter is home with us. My almost 4 year old biological daughter is also very excited.
I can completely understand your thinking on this. It's just how you want to build your family. When people asked me why I adopted my standard response is "why not". I've also gotten, "why Guatemala, why not domestic", etc. It's amazing some of the questions that complete strangers feel compelled to ask.
I wish you all the best of luck in your adoption. I hope it's as wonderful an experience for you and it has been for my family.
Julie
Now I feel bad, because I think I asked you that! But I am not a stranger...Be prepared for "is that your daughter? Oh, but these two are your REAL kids, right?" And right in front of said children...I have just decided that people who know nothing about adoption just don't "get" it. Sometimes I will educate them, sometimes I am just not in the mood...
Lisa
Ah, Lisa, come on...there's a difference between what you asked (what made you decide) and what she infered with her why? (why would you if you can have kids the old fashioned way)
It is sad that there is a stigma that there has to be some kind of reasoning behind adoption.
When I first started this process, i too thought there had to be some "reason" why people adopted. Were they infertile, did they desire a girl or boy to add to their family etc. But now, after going through the whole invasive paperchase and having to endure an uncertain wait, I realize that there doesn't have to be a specific reason for adopting.
There may be a reason that brought us to adoption, but going forward with process is a testament of our committment and love to a child that we have never met.
I enjoy hearing how other people chose adoption, but I get a little defensive when someone who hasn't adopted asks. I always feel like they are interrogating me and that they are waiting to pounce on my answer.
I am glad that you picked up that magazine :)
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