There's an interesting debate going on at APC. I don't usually have time to read APC, nor do I usually care. However, today, I had some time to read some of the posts, and this one actually caught my eye, and I kept reading. I don't know if any of you read the posts, or if many of you are usually like me and delete.
The topic was: If you found out your adopted Chinese baby was abducted (which is taken from the parents) or stolen and sold (which is abandoned but trafficked) after having him/her home for some time, what would you do? After several months? What about several years? Would you return the baby to the Chinese/the "birth" parents? Would you refuse?
I would also be interested in knowing if you have children already or if you do not.
I am interested in hearing opinions on this. Please be respectful of others. I will edit any posts that "flame" others. I don't think it will get to that, though. I want to create an environment where all are invited to share an opinion.
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12 comments:
Hi Jen,
Wow, that is a tough one...I don't think I would return her. I am adopted myself and I feel that your parents are those who love you and raise you. I guess I would do everything I could to help that family and have my daughter hae a relationship with them, but she would still be my daughter...just my opinion,
Lisa
My husband and I got in a huge fight..Uh, I mean, discussion about this very topic yesterday. He said the child should be returned to their biological parents, and I said the child should stay in the adoptive home, especially if it had been more than a year. How tramatic would it be for the child to be taken out of the only home they knew to go live with "strangers"? We never did reach an agreement and decided to agree to disagree.
Oh, we don't have any children yet.
Well, I guess that is a very hard one to answer. I think it is one of those questions that you truly cannot answer unless you are actually put in that situation. I really don't know what or how I would react. It will definately get me thinking.
This has been one of the few APC discussions that I have read. I have 2 children. I can only imagine the agony I would feel if my kids were abducted. Isn't that a parent's worst nightmare? A birth parent of an abducted child would want their child back, months or years later.
However, if I was faced with that decision with A, I don't think I could return her. She is a child that I love, she is my daughter! I would want her birth parents to be a part of her life. I would hope that I would be able to do everything in my power to make that possible. Would A eventually despise me for not returning her to her birth parents? I can say without a doubt, I would have the deepest hatred for anyone that had my children and would not return them to me.
We can only do what is in the best interest of our children. In those circumstances, would we know what that would be??
With a child adopted from China, I can say that this subject does hit close to home. I would say with honesty:
1) I wouldn't make an effort to find out.
2) I wouldn't return.
We chose China for the anonymity and finality. We choose to keep it so.
That's an excellent question that I just don't have an answer to. I hate to even be forced to think of such a thing, but it's a reality that I need to start thinking long and hard about.
I think that it really depends on the situation. For instance, in an article posted on APC regarding a boy from Korea adopted at 8 who kept saying that his father was alive, and fought and fought and never fit in, they did the right thing in returning him. I would say for us, we probably wouldn't, but would come up with some sort of visiting arrangement.
This is such an insanely difficult question. I have thought about it a few times, and every time I decide that the right thing is obviously to return my child to his birth parents. I just try to imagine if things were reversed....But, I always end up knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it!
On a semi-related note, we just found out that our child may have a biological older sibling who lives only a couple hours from us. This siblings parents don't know about us yet. We were NOT told about this by our agency or orphanage even though I am pretty sure they both knew. We are trying to decide how to best handle this, especially if the other childs parents don't feel the same way about things as we do (we beleive the kids should have a relationship). Hmmmmm...
First, I have not brought any children into my family via adoption.
Second, I think it depends on the circumstances. How long has the child been with the new family? Has the family really been searching for this child?
As a bio mom, I think I would have to say that I would want to at least have a relationship with my child if she were abducted and sent to be adotped.But what if it had been years and these people were her family now? Could I honestly pull her away from her family to raise as mine? I would want to do something that is in her best interests...I know that sounds strange, but I have seen children pulled back and forth with custody battles and to rip a child from the home they know is not always the best thing.
I think that I would want to do the same if my theoretical adoptive child was abducted. I would try to set up some form of relationship with the bio family.
Interesting question....
I have to agree with Johnny and say that I wouldn't chose to pursue any information. If someone came after me with facts and figures, I would do my best to facilitate a warm relationship with her birth family... despite the horror of a child being abducted, it would be a double tragedy to then remove a child from the only home they have known in an attempt to right a wrong. Even though that answer obviously benefits the adoptive family, I say it with truly having the child's best interests in mind.
Typo- choOse... not chose. OOPS!@!
Wow, could this topic be any more emotional and difficult? We talked about this at home, I've talked about it with non-adoptive families and friends, and really there is just no easy answer.
I kinda agree with Johnny's comments...Joel and I chose China not only for the health of the children, the culture/heritage, but also because we just really weren't personally keen on a domestic open adoption for us (although with everything going on in S. Dakota and Mississippi, it looks like there will be more unwanted children up for adoption in the USA, so who knows if our 2nd child won't be a product of a US adoption?).
We never really came to a conclusion, but depending on the timing of when we were to find out that Ruby was "stolen," we would investigate and decide from there....however, how much trauma should one little child endure?
No easy answers....
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