When I first decided to blog, a little over a year ago, I did so because I wanted to be liked. I think that was a subconscious decision somewhat, but I tried to relay “funny” stories or make attempts at humor in order to attract an audience. Just as in other areas of my life, I wanted the external validation. If my sitemeter stats were lower than usual (indicating less readers), I would be hurt. Sad, isn’t it?

There are a few online services right now that will copy your blog into a book format. I have decided to try to do that annually in order to preserve my writing. I figure I don’t know where technology will be in ten years, and I want to make sure I have a hard copy now of what I am doing. I wanted to do this during recovery because I can go back and reflect on my progress made. Even if it doesn’t necessarily reflect in the post, I can usually read a post and remember my feelings when I wrote that. It’s amazing that something I wrote in August, I can feel differently about today in December.

In this process, even though the blog is downloaded, there is editing involved to format it properly in a book. While doing this, I came to the realization that my writing has very much evolved. I realized what I said above: I wanted so much in the past to be liked. Reading my posts from 2005 and the beginning of 2006, I feel as though I am personally removed from many of the writings. I feel as I was trying to project an image of who I thought I was, but there was such a lack of feeling in that writing.

I thought I should be a certain way: always funny, sometimes sarcastic, occasionally making fun of people, hardly ever speaking from the heart. I mean, after all, that is what attracts the readers. I was trying to develop a style that wasn’t me in order for others to like me. After all, the most popular writers, to a certain extent, are like that.

First of all, it didn’t work. Second of all, it wasn’t me. Most importantly, didn’t I want people to like me for me? Who was I attracting before? Partly it was an adoption crowd, because I was adopting from China.. (and many of them read because I was on the same journey as they were) But if I was trying to develop a false style, did I want to attract additional people who would enjoy that false sense of who I was. Did I want to attract those who sometimes get humor at the expense of others? Did I want to stifle my sensitive nature at the sake of gaining an audience? Did I want to further lose my sense of self by pretending I was someone else?

It wasn’t until I started to write truly about who I am that I started to develop a better blog. Sharing my recovery has helped me. Both because I can share what I am going through, and hopefully, I can reach another. I have lost readers. Yet, I have gained new readers. And these are the readers I want. I had an agenda when I got out of treatment to blog in hopes of reaching those who may be suffering. I had an agenda to share myself. In doing that, and through my recovery process over the last seven months, I have grown to like myself. If you read this regularly, I hope this means you like what I have to say, too.

But if you don’t, I’m not offended. I check my stats, but they aren’t a reflection of who I am. Most of the time I check my stats now, they’re in order to see where people came from and how long they stayed. I want to know that someone is reading and possibly moved by what I say. I don’t care so much about the number of readers. And if you are reading, most likely you stay because you have a similar mindset. I need readers who want to grow. I don’t care if the most popular blogs are often times set out to attack or humiliate others. I don’t want those type of readers on my blog. I know they wouldn’t even understand, in many cases, what my journey is all about.

Thank you readers for sticking around. You’re an awesome group. (Now, if I could only get more of you to comment online….) You’re a reflection of who I am becoming, and I need that. I am proud of who I am today, and partly, it’s due to this writing and the help and support from many of you.

Merry Christmas.