Lately, I have started worrying if I can handle three children. I don't know if it is because the whole paperchase is over, and I have more time to realize what we have committed to. Anytime you add a new child to the family, it creates a whole restructuring of sorts. You have to adjust to the new child and how the child changes the dynamics of the family from that point forward. I have a personal issue, too, that I am addressing right now. Maybe at some point, I'll blog about it, but nevertheless, it creates additional worries for me, as well.
Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through, but three just seems much more difficult than two. Please don't get me wrong, I want this child...it's just that my insecurities are getting the best of me, I guess.
Some days I get so stressed out with two, that I can't imagine adding a third to the mix. Am I going to lose even more of a sense of myself and my needs? Somedays I feel so helpless and lonely.
Then, I worry about the cultural issue. It is important to me to be able to be able to provide a sense of my new child's culture in raising her. When we decided upon international adoption, it was a choice made out of expanding our family in a different way and something that could enlighten us...we will raise our new child but she will also teach us things that we didn't know about ourselves. I have a background in understanding Hispanic culture and language, and sometimes, I question if I made the right decision. China? I knew practically nothing about China.
It's posts like this that make me upset and worried at the same time. I like this blog, but I thought this post was unfair. It categorized me (all of us who will adopt from China) into some sort of stereotype that we will all just "go through some of the motions of Chinese-ness, but not truly teach culture". In other words, go to some FCC (Families with Children from China) events and think that this is teaching culture....perhaps some will and I know others who have indicated that assimilating to U.S. culture is what their children need to do and won't be teaching their children much of anything about their birth country. However, I, and I know many of us, intend to learn as much as I can about my child's birth country and history. I want to have knowledge to educate. I actually worry I might fail. That post would have you believe that that worry has never crossed my mind. It has.
I said to my husband the other day maybe we should have adopted from Guatemala because I know so much already and would be comfortable traveling with my daughter by myself someday. I can speak Spanish, and I could get us around. I understand family structures in that country. I could do a much better job at educating. As much as I am trying to learn about China, its people, and their customs, I still feel like I am in uncharted territory.
Of course, my husband says it will be OK. I hope it will. I feel like sometimes mothers carry the weight of the world on their shoulders because I feel so responsible to mold her (and all of my children) into what would be an ideal situation.
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16 comments:
Jen, I read that blog (your link to it is sorta screwed up though) and I don't see what you're worried about. You'll do just fine. Everyone seems to have lots of ideas about how we have to raise our kids but kids aren't really that complicated and you have to work pretty hard to screw them up.
You and your daughter can have a wonderful adventure exploring her heritage (to whatever degree you want to) together.
:)
Donna
I'm soooo glad that you posted this. Of course you are worried - we are all worried about being good mothers to our children, adopted or bio. The fact that our daughters will come from China does not dispute the truthiness (I heart Stephen Colbert) that YOU WILL SUCCEED in raising a Chinese-American who knows more about her culture than an Americanized Chinese New Year and squeaky shoes.
Honestly, I emphathize with the writers of those posts, but to assume that ALL adoptive (or soon-to-be adoptive) parents will only do the "surface Chinese education" is unfair.
Sure, I love pretty clothes (who doesn't swoon over Nordstrom's shoes or Neiman Marcus' sales, hmmm?) but it does NOT mean that the only Chinese items I expose my daughter to will be Chinese traditional clothing.
I think some in the Chinese adoption world are more commited than others to truly learning the history and culture -others will only want to explore the surface of things and that is their choice, not mine. I agree with Donna...we'll explore our daughter's full heritage together with love, respect, honesty, and open hearts.
Can I share my Kim Crawford Sauv Blanc with you?
Jen,
You're not alone in these feelings. Every once in a while I panic that I am inviting even more insanity into my life. I find that it helps to remember that I had the same panic when I was pregnant with my second child. "How will this change our family?" "what if the kids hate eachother?" "what if I don't have enough time for my first child?" All these things kept running through my head and looking back, they were silly. Every child is a leap of faith and then when they arrive the joy they bring is amazing. You will be great with your new daughter because you are already thinking about how to be the best parent you can be to her.
Shannon
You're thinking about it - and that's all that matters. :)
Some people (obviously not you!) don't think it will be an issue at all - sure they'll love him/her like he/she came out of their own body - however, particularly for families (white, generally) who haven't had experience as a minority in this country, raising a child who gains minority status based on physical appearance almost automatically can be challenging.
Congrats and chances are, your child will know way more about Chinese culture than I do. And that's sort of the irony of it all, isn't it.
I know how you feel...I have a 3 year old and a 17 month old and wonder how our daughter from China will fit in. We are a Hispanic family so obviously people would assume we would adopt from Guatemala.
I think all these fears are normal...I'm sure you also had worries when you were pregnant with your bio children.
Keep your chin up!
~Mary (from the March 2006 DTC Group)
Bravo!!! Fab post Jen! You know I am so there. I read the Motherhood Unsensored Post as well and I really liked it. It was a good reminder. Of course it was a bit of a generalization, but with an important lesson.
I am in disagreement with Donna. Kids are quite complicated and I do see what you are worried about. Dismissing this is not the answer.
As for handling 3...I'll be watching you! I am worried about moving up to 2!
Jen,
I don't think we need to be the experts on Chinese culture to help our daughters understand thiers. I just think we need to be open to learning about it and most of all, keeping the lines of comminication open with them if they want to talk about anything...
As far as the 3 kids, I'm with ya! But how much harder could it be??
Lisa
Jen,
Of course you're worried about all of the "what-ifs" of adding another child, that is what makes you a mother! Remember when you were pregnant with your second? Did you wonder how you could possibly love another baby the same as you loved your first (even though you could physically feel her kicking inside of you)? And then she was born, and you probably forgot all that worrying? I am only assuming that you had a typical situation like this and I apologize if I'm completely off the mark.
Each child will change you, worry you and fill you up with more emotion than you ever thought possible. It will be different than it is now. Sometimes harder, sometimes easier. Three is different than two, that is the truth (just as two was different than one).
When you have your new little daughter home and you're looking into her eyes, you will forget all of the worrying. I promise :)
Carrie
Hey girl - Take a peek at our blog and scroll down a ways. There is a post I copied about thoughts on international adoption. A little cynical but very true in the adoption culture. Let me know what you think! You'll do fine with three! I was worried and now I want number four! Amy
As the linked person in Motherhood Uncensored... well, I agree with you.
To generalize all of us as just sticking our kids in silk jammies and calling it a "cultural moment" is unfair.
A part of me was glad of Kristen's post because I think it is important to talk about and keep in our minds... the other part of me was pissed because the information I provide on a blog is NOT all there is to me or to my family.
Shit... I have too much to say.
Let me just say that 3 kids is a lot, but it is good. You can do it.
I feel a ranty post coming on.
XX,
K.
Ahhh Jen -
I have all of these fears too. All of them. And the same thoughts being a Hispanic family, did we do the right thing going to China?
But you know, when I look at my family and I see my husband's Latino face, my white one, my daughter's mix of that and my Chinese daughter, I know we are the new "look" of the American Family. We will integrate the Chinese culture into our lives much like we have the Latin and the Irish. We will all be proud of where we came from and where we are now. It's a balance and I hope beyond hope that I can do it all justice.
Thankfully we have each other to talk about it and think about it with and that will help us as we all move forward.
You and I definitely share some of the same thoughts and fears.
I worry about adding #3, too! But, I also worried about having #2. Somehow it all works out. No matter how many children you have, there are going to be some days that are are going to be so overwhelming and you feel that it may be time to be committed to the insane asylum. I remember feeling lost when C was younger. I think at some point you just have to decide that you are not going to allow the challenges of motherhood get the best of you. You are never going to be the person that you were before becoming a mother. The most important thing is to make sure that you are happy and feeling good. If mama isn't happy, then nobody is happy.
As far as the cultural issue, you do the very best that you can. I think you can take it to an extreme like quite a few people on APC - do we need to shove it down our children's throats? Or you do as the poster that you linked to posted - which I am sure many, many a-parents do. There is a happy medium. Send them to culture camp, celebrate Chinese holidays, read books -- take the lead from your child.
Just my .02
I think by thinking about these issues, you already are addressing them.
Remember how you felt when you were pregnant with your second? All of those worries? They went away, right? You found you COULD handle two. The same thing will happen with three.
I worry on different cultural levels. My children (and husband) are Jewish. I am not. So how do I respond when my almost 4 year old asks "Mommy, why are you not Jewish?" That's a toughie. We do expose them to Jewish life, but sometimes I feel like a fraud
You will do just fine and you have all of us to give you a hand or shoulder when you need it.
I know that you are a great mother and that you will not "fail".
You have my email and phone# - ring me up anytime :)
I think these are all valid worries you discuss. As a person of "color", I do feel a bit weirded out by white folks getting into the Chinese culture in support of their kids. But in the same instance, I feel "awwww" that they're doing it BECAUSE of their adopted kid(s).
I think there's just been a bit too much guilt heaped on by some....which might make it seem that it's guilt to be felt by all.
I can tell you if you teach her to enjoy canned vegetables like a mid-Westerner (apparently - as I've learned these "white" traits from my mid-Western blogging buds), I won't rat on you to the Secret Chinese Committee.
I think the most "Chinese culture" I'm going to teach my girl is the use of chopsticks. Seriously.
Hi just found your blog tagged and wanted to say I just adopted my third child and every feeling you have is normal. I have actually found having my third is quite easy and fun! I enjoyed your blog
http://spaces.msn.com/itsagirlseyler/
Leanna
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