The Reason for My Disappearance

Hi. I promise my writing is going to pick up in about a week. I am trying to get my bearings here in my home again after being gone for four weeks.

I was a bit ashamed to tell you all the reason for my absence, and I didn't know if this was the correct forum to do so. However, being as how my blog is going to change to encompass more than adoption and child rearing and include this topic, I thought I'd share with you first...my original "blog posse".

As a few of you know, I'm an alcoholic in recovery. A few months back, I relapsed and began drinking again. It's ironic because in the past, before my addiction became out of control and I had little education about it, I always thought of the alcoholic as the "bum in the street" or the "loud obnoxious guy at the party". I know that is many people's perception of it. However, I am just your run of the mill stay at home mom. I live in a decent neighborhood. I drive a decent car. I have a great family. I'm a pretty good mom. I used to hold a high paying job. I have no DUIs or criminal record....from the outside looking in life looks perfect. "You" (a collective "you", meaning an outsider) would think we had no problems whatsoever.

However, the disease is insidious that way. It sneaks up and detroys things. I was a "responsible" drinker, or so I thought. I'd usually wait until my husband got home to drink. I only drank wine...and the good, expensive stuff. (because those alcoholics only drink the "bad stuff") I wasn't "falling down drunk". I functioned. The rationalizations are endless. However, because I had some sobriety before and knew I could live a better life and because I knew I was using my drinking to cope and I was craving it, I checked myself into treatment.

I couldn't have made a better choice, as I am there for my family all the time (mentally) and discovered a lot about myself. I have been busy ensuring that I stick with AA this time around (which I rejected the first time around trying to control my own sobriety...I didn't need that silly group! Oh, how I was wrong.), going to meetings and finding a great sponsor already. I have to admit that it isn't always easy as alcohol was my crutch when things got difficult or painful, but I know I'll be living a more fulfilling life ultimately.

I intend to go into more detail in my blog as it launches on ClubMom. I will write specifically about adoption, parenting young children and recovery, as those are the three areas that we mutually (ClubMom and I) decided would be appropriate topic matter for me to cover. I hope that I can educate people a bit about addiction (whether it be alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, food, love...you name it...), and break down the negative stigma that seems to be attached to that which is a disease.

Until then, I hope that you all can handle that. If not, oh well, it's who I am, and I am stronger because of it. I was ashamed before I started treatment because I felt like a failure, but now I feel empowered. And grateful. And optimistic. And scared. And lonely. And trying to live each day fully, focusing on the moment that is right in front of me. Not the past. Not the future. Only the here and now.